Car Wash 50% Off


A local car wash was having a sale so I took my car in to get it cleaned. But as I drove out of the carwash, I noticed a little problem.

Car Wash

Half of my car was missing. The entire back end of my car was sliced clean off!

I wasn’t hurt but I was pissed off and terrified! I had friends back there and now they were missing. I went up and asked the clerk what the hell happened?!

He was like, “Ma’am, calm down.”

I couldn’t believe what he just said but it worked: I calmed down immediately! He proceeded to tell me that it’s part of the new promotion. Buy one car wash, and your other ones are 50% off.

Duh, I completely forgot about the sale. That’s the whole reason I even came to the car wash. Not only are my car washes are 50 % off, it’s also better on gas. Especially since I no longer have those friends, who kept asking me to drive them everywhere.

How To Stop Scratching Your 18 New Mosquito Bites


I just came back from vacation and I just couldn’t relax. The entire time I couldn’t stop thinking of how to stop scratching my 18 new mosquito bites.

Mosquitos are close cousins of fireflies, but not as bright. Turns out, when they reproduce, they use human blood for lube.

But I’m thankful for those bites because thanks to them, and my amazingly accurate problem-solving skills, I came up with four scientifically proven and personally tested steps that you can take. So next time you get bitten up by mosquitos, this is what you do:

Step 1: Jump and grab onto the tail of a car. Oh, and it might seem dumb that I even have to mention this, but: make sure the car you jump onto is actually moving, not parked. Don’t make my mistake.
Step 2: Shoot off fireworks. After you lose your fingers, you’ll forget all about those mosquito bites that you probably won’t be able to scratch now, anyway.
Step 3: Soak in a giant kids pool. If peeing on a jellyfish sting eases pain, well imagine how much pain relief is contained within a giant public kiddie pool. It’s the same idea, just not as weird.
And finally, step 4: Accept the mosquito bites. And embrace the itchy feeling of contributing to the mosquito cycle of life. And their human blood fetish.

If you do all of the steps in that exact order, mosquitos can no longer hurt you. And you’ll grow a thicker… bumpy, itchy, scabby, scarred skin. But you’ll be a hero and mosquitoes will worship you by continuing to suck the life out of you.

Empty Bench Taken For Granted


A bench was found empty yesterday evening at Weeping Willow Park.

Empty Bench

Despite all the trees surrounding it, not one of them attempted to sit down and let the bench do its job—by being a bench for everyone to enjoy.

The nearest weeping willow, upon being asked why it wouldn’t sit down, did not respond. It just kept on weeping… Because it was ashamed of itself for being caught taking a perfectly good park bench for granted and refused to admit it.

So I decided to step in because I wasn’t gonna take that bench for granted. I sat down and enjoyed the scenery.

The birds were singing. The sun was setting. A gentle breeze brushed by, and without being asked for commentary, it whispered, “Hey! You’re sitting on that tree’s dead brother’s face!”