I Took A Break From Twitter And Didn’t Tell Anyone. This Is My Story.


I took a break from Twitter and didn’t tell anyone. AND EVERYONE NOTICED. Well, no one asked me about it but trust me, I know everyone was wondering what happened. So I’m sharing my first-hand experience of what it was like to not tweet because it’s my job, as the World’s Most Trusted Illustrajournalist, to educate and inform you.

My goal was to not tweet for 3 months and I did it.

I should mention that I was supposed to stop reading Twitter, too, but I couldn’t stop reading twitter. Remembering how to read is important and there’s nothing else to read. And while reading tweets, instead of reacting to it all and tweeting about everything that triggered me, I had to sit there and stew in my own opinions. 3 months of not tweeting is the same as 3 months of holding in farts.

My farts on Twitter

This is a rare image of what my farts look like. I drink a lot of tequila so my farts are lethal but happy.

That reminds me. During those 3 months, I relapsed and tweeted once. But I don’t think it really counts because I only replied to a tweet instead of posting one, and it was to a friend’s tweet because it was important. She needed advice about salad. And we’re really good friends. It’s the type of friendship that is beyond pathetic private text messages. We handle our business by public tweet-mentions only. And if Twitter was gone tomorrow…

Anyway, my first-hand experience of no tweeting for 3 months: I learned a lot of nothing. What a waste of time. I should’ve been tweeting about trending hashtags and my favorite chapstick. Instead, I let all of my would’ve-been tweets build up in my head for 3 months and now all I have is useless millions of words in notebooks, that will never fit into whatever Twitter’s character limit is now.

I’ve thought about how people use Twitter in different ways. Before my break, I’ve been using Twitter to express myself, and to find my voice, and to develop and evolve as an artist. For over 10 years, Twitter has been how I’ve measured my self-worth as a human being. If you go look at some of my tweets from back then, you will find that you have too much time on your hands and should be contributing that time to society in a positive way, besides just stalking my awesome tweets.

The takeaway from all of this is something I learned a long time ago and just realized it all over again. And I’m going to pass it onto you. The universal truth is:

Listen less, talk more. Because when you’re talking, you’re already listening to the sound of your own farts. It’s only natural.


The Best Health Benefits Of Drinking Teeth

Cup of Teeth

Improve your health and wellbeing nightly by disconnecting all your electronics, taking deep breaths, and reading a good book while enjoying a nice cup of teeth. Yes, a cup of teeth will give you your much-needed quiet time because your family and roommates will freak out and get the hell away from you.

A cup of teeth is good for your children whose adult teeth haven’t grown in yet. Your kids’ baby teeth will be inspired to grow strong because of the good role models from a cup of teeth. It’s also good for your teeth because your teeth need friends. Let’s be real, you can’t help but smile while drinking a smile and you can never have too many teeth.

It naturally contains no caffeine so a cup of teeth is safe to drink before bedtime. It will even reset your internal clock and you’ll wake up feeling sharp and alert promptly after your teeth-induced nightmares.

You can enjoy a cup of teeth by picking one up from any nursing home.

Inactivity Pays Off Student Debt

MY LAPTOP—I was trying to pay my student loan but all of the sudden a message popped up: “Session expired due to inactivity.” I couldn’t log back in. I did yoga, 10 jumping jacks, 20 burpees, and even ran 3 miles. But none of this was enough activity to log me in.

As a highly educated person who majored in Ostrichology at Saint Sebastian’s School for Rich Kids, I was appalled. They wanted my money for educating me but they didn’t educate me how to give them my money to pay off my education debt.

Then I realized that my college experience came through for me after all. Since I couldn’t log into my student loan with activity, it meant I no longer had student debt to pay. “Session expired due to inactivity” meant “student debt expired due to inactivity!” I no longer had student debt as long as I never exercised again.