How To Stop Scratching Your 18 New Mosquito Bites


I just came back from vacation and I just couldn’t relax. The entire time I couldn’t stop thinking of how to stop scratching my 18 new mosquito bites.

Mosquitos are close cousins of fireflies, but not as bright. Turns out, when they reproduce, they use human blood for lube.

But I’m thankful for those bites because thanks to them, and my amazingly accurate problem-solving skills, I came up with four scientifically proven and personally tested steps that you can take. So next time you get bitten up by mosquitos, this is what you do:

Step 1: Jump and grab onto the tail of a car. Oh, and it might seem dumb that I even have to mention this, but: make sure the car you jump onto is actually moving, not parked. Don’t make my mistake.
Step 2: Shoot off fireworks. After you lose your fingers, you’ll forget all about those mosquito bites that you probably won’t be able to scratch now, anyway.
Step 3: Soak in a giant kids pool. If peeing on a jellyfish sting eases pain, well imagine how much pain relief is contained within a giant public kiddie pool. It’s the same idea, just not as weird.
And finally, step 4: Accept the mosquito bites. And embrace the itchy feeling of contributing to the mosquito cycle of life. And their human blood fetish.

If you do all of the steps in that exact order, mosquitos can no longer hurt you. And you’ll grow a thicker… bumpy, itchy, scabby, scarred skin. But you’ll be a hero and mosquitoes will worship you by continuing to suck the life out of you.