Man Cures His Depression By Texting Family From His Grave


It can happen to anyone. One of the most unhealthiest health issues, and a good reason to spend more time on your phone, is depression.

Depression by Tanya Pshenychny

Val, who was 53 years old at his time of death back in 2012, was on a mission to cure his depression. So he reached out to his friends and family for support by text messages this morning. The responses he received to his text messages was mostly shock. For some reason, most people didn’t believe he was actually depressed. The others just asked for money.

His daughter, who asked to remain anonymous and who is definitely not me, had a lot of questions about her father’s health and well-being.

She said, “How are you texting me? Weren’t you cremated? Wait. Are you sure you’re depressed and just not dead?”

He said, “Wow I came out to have a good time and honestly feeling so attacked right now. This is worse than that heart attack I died from.”

Eventually, he stopped texting, which means his depression was cured. And so was his heart attack. So please, if you’re suffering from depression, spend more time on your phone. It’s light therapy.

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Immigration Is Boring But At Least There Are Puzzles


Once again, I have experienced immigration. I moved across the street to my new headquarters. There’s a lot more space here. Now I actually have the space to step back so you can check out my enormous walls.

But the worst part of every immigration is that there’s nothing to do. My new apartment was completely empty and I got bored pretty quick. So, I bought some puzzles.

Immigration furniture puzzle

When I put the puzzles together, they turned out to be stuff like a chair, a desk, and all kinds of furniture, which is all very convenient since I didn’t have any furniture yet.

I had left my old furniture in my old apartment for the next tenant to enjoy, but this new apartment didn’t have any furniture because whoever lived here before me, when they moved out they took the furniture with them. Yeah, people are so inconsiderate.

But I’m glad I put all the puzzles together because they were very hard and I got to say swear words, like “fuck”, a lot. I don’t say swear words like “fuck” in these videos because I’m a professional on the job. But when I’m off work I do say “fuck” a lot.

Anyway, all of these puzzles were super expensive and now I’m trying to get better at saving money.  One of the best and easiest ways to save money is to save the change you find between couch cushions, so I’m gonna go buy myself a couch.


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The Results of the Most Accurate Poll


I have the results of the poll we’ve all been waiting for: The most accurate personality test. I wanted this poll to be easily accessible, so I tweeted it and it reached the entire world. Here are the results.

At 25%, turns out that it’s the most rare personality type and they wanted everyone to know about it.


TwitterResult_scissorsAt 44%, turns out that paper plays the most important role in all our lives.


At 31%, somehow this personality even had the attention span to keep reading after the other 2 options, because it’s the same personality that’s most likely to run with scissors.


The entire world saw this poll: that’s the total of 1,600 people. But only 118 people voted. And some of those people even tried to say that they’re the 3 personalities all at once. If that was even an option, their result would be… what, a nice city skyline?

Still, 1,482 did not vote. But I have good news: this poll was not anonymous. I can see exactly who all the voters are and who all the non-voters are. And I have a lot of time on my hands.

So to all you non-voters out there: I know where you work and I know where you sleep. And I’m on my way over to help you vote. To make this a little faster for you, I’m asking you now. Which one are you: rock, paper, or scissors?

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