What The Statue Of Liberty Really Thinks Of America

LIBERTY ISLAND—Most people know that the Statue of Liberty has been trying to hail a cab and get off the island since she immigrated to America decades ago, but now you’ll get to know this French girl up close and personal in this exclusive interview.

IllustrArticles: Why do you think it’s taken so long for a cab to stop for you?
Statue Of Liberty: It’s probably because I’m green. They have no idea what I’m made of. These cabbies look at me and keep driving. But then at the end of their shifts, they go drinking at bars and then steal the shiny copper Moscow mule mugs.

IllustrArticles: Despite the cabbies, most people see you as a symbol of freedom. What do you think of that?
SOL: It’s kind of weird to me that people think that but okay, I guess. I don’t really feel free, just like everyone: dreaming about freedom with my head in the clouds but keep my feet on the ground because I am, how you say…stuck on an island.

IllustrArticles: Since you’ve been stuck on an island, what’s the one thing you’ve brought with you?
SOL: I have this amazing, one-page book right here that I’ve been reading over and over, front-to-front. The only thing that’s been keeping me sane. If I could give it a review, I’d give it 50 stars–one for every state of denial that it’s an amazing book! The book JULY IV MDCCLXXVI is a psychological thriller, you’d love it.

IllustrArticles: You seem like someone who doesn’t like to follow rules so I’m gonna guess your favorite type of music is punk rock, right?
SOL: Why? Just because of the spikes? It’s just functional fashion, keeps pigeons out of my face. Ok yeah, punk rock.

IllustrArticles: Since pigeons aren’t in the way of your perspective, tell us what you really think of America?
SOL: It’s been a weird show. America is a weird band but it’s trying, I guess? I tried to help. I’ve even held up a lighter and yelled out requests but maybe they keep hearing me wrong? I’ve requested the popular punk rock song “Free Bird” but instead they played something totally shitty, like they must’ve heard me say something like “reverse”. And then just earlier I yelled, “Play some Petty” and now I regret it because I’m afraid of what they think they heard. Maybe it’s my accent.

IllustrArticles: Now, let’s talk about what’s really important: Will you follow me on twitter?
SOL: …

IllustrArticles: Liberty, will you follow me on twitter?
SOL: What? Oh, sorry. I’m busy reading this book again, byyeeeee.

Everything’s On Fire So Remaining Months Of This Year Will End With “Ember”


The rest of the months of the year will end with “ember” because everything is on fire. In fact, most of 2017 has been a dumpster fire but the month-naming person, whose name I forgot to write down, had the strength to keep naming each month something interesting, such as “‘May’ this month be okay, please?” and until September, which combines the words “septic” and “ember”.

Which “ember” month will be your favorite? Mine will be Octember, of course!