It’s Impossible To Get Lost In New York Because There’s Only One Way


One Way

NEW YORK—You can’t get lost here because all of New York’s streets are smartly marked with arrows and the words ONE WAY that point you toward the way for you to go. Forget maps, GPS, and asking for directions. Just follow the ONE WAY signs and you’ll get where you need to go.

Adorable Toddler Committed Copyright Infringement

Toddler chasing a pigeon

NEW YORK—What seemed to be a regular sunny Tuesday afternoon in Madison Square Park was overshadowed by a crime taking place. A toddler committed copyright infringement by chasing after a pigeon.

Lots of children chase pigeons but to legally chase a pigeon, you have to register first. What sets this event apart from the others is that this particular 2-year old was not registered to chase pigeons and he knew exactly what he was doing.

The child didn’t arrive at the park on his own, nor did he ask to be brought there–but because his vocabulary range consists of incoherent babbling, “choo-choo twains”, and his favorite word “no!”, if he was a morally good human, he would have stood his ground and told his parents, “NO goto paaaawwwwhkkkhh!”

Instead, he allowed his parents (a corrupt couple who will stop at nothing to escape boredom and make sure their kid has fun breaking the law while they all breathe in air that belongs to people who got there before them) to bring him to the park where he immediately went after what he wanted all along: to appear to be a normal human by copying those who actually are.

The deceivingly adorable toddler was getting away with this until he finally chased the wrong pigeon at the wrong time. Today he’s been told that he’s banned from the park and to “go back where you came from” in the letter of cease & decease because the pigeon-chasing time slot of 3:26 pm to 3:30 pm on Tuesdays belongs to a 70-year old normal human named Todd Ler, who’s been chasing pigeons his entire life.

Awkward Encounter Caused By Selfish Dogs

Awkward Dogs

PARK—A dog and its puppy came up to me Monday night and acted as if they’ve known me for years. They kept jumping up and wagging their tails, trying to get me to lean over to pet them. I felt obligated to do something. I mean, what if we have met before and I’m the asshole who forgot.

Reluctantly, I leaned over, gave them both head scratches, told them they looked great, and asked them how’s the family. Neither one of them answered, though. The entire encounter between the dogs and me was an awkward one-way interaction. And not a single time did either one of them attempted to give me a head scratch back. The puppy did lick my hand a couple times but what kind of asshole does weird shit like that.