Guy Late To Work, Blames It On His Dog

Transcript

A guy was late to work every day last week because people kept stopping him to pet his dog. And because the dog was a corgi,  people took extra time to bend down to reach the dog.

Guy Late To Work Blames Dog Corgi

And then people took even more time to snap selfies together. They took a bunch of selfies with the corgi because everybody just assumes that a corgi is friendly. But for some reason, nobody took selfies with the guy. It’s probably ’cause he seemed angry.

Eventually, the guy was able to tear away from the crowds, drop off the corgi at home, and head to the office. So I followed him there and watched him through the window. As he explained to his supervisors why he was late (because people kept stopping him to pet his dog) I was just thinking in my head, “There’s no way they’re going to believe him. They’re going to fire him!”

And they believed him! In fact, they hired that corgi to work at the office. A dog that gets that much attention must be special and they’re always looking for talent. So today, the guy still comes in late but he still holds the same position. But within the past week, the corgi has been promoted from Office Pet to The Guy’s Manager.

Car Wash 50% Off

Transcript

A local car wash was having a sale so I took my car in to get it cleaned. But as I drove out of the carwash, I noticed a little problem.

Car Wash

Half of my car was missing. The entire back end of my car was sliced clean off!

I wasn’t hurt but I was pissed off and terrified! I had friends back there and now they were missing. I went up and asked the clerk what the hell happened?!

He was like, “Ma’am, calm down.”

I couldn’t believe what he just said but it worked: I calmed down immediately! He proceeded to tell me that it’s part of the new promotion. Buy one car wash, and your other ones are 50% off.

Duh, I completely forgot about the sale. That’s the whole reason I even came to the car wash. Not only are my car washes are 50 % off, it’s also better on gas. Especially since I no longer have those friends, who kept asking me to drive them everywhere.

How To Stop Scratching Your 18 New Mosquito Bites

Transcript

I just came back from vacation and I just couldn’t relax. The entire time I couldn’t stop thinking of how to stop scratching my 18 new mosquito bites.

Mosquitos are close cousins of fireflies, but not as bright. Turns out, when they reproduce, they use human blood for lube.

But I’m thankful for those bites because thanks to them, and my amazingly accurate problem-solving skills, I came up with four scientifically proven and personally tested steps that you can take. So next time you get bitten up by mosquitos, this is what you do:

Step 1: Jump and grab onto the tail of a car. Oh, and it might seem dumb that I even have to mention this, but: make sure the car you jump onto is actually moving, not parked. Don’t make my mistake.
Step 2: Shoot off fireworks. After you lose your fingers, you’ll forget all about those mosquito bites that you probably won’t be able to scratch now, anyway.
Step 3: Soak in a giant kids pool. If peeing on a jellyfish sting eases pain, well imagine how much pain relief is contained within a giant public kiddie pool. It’s the same idea, just not as weird.
And finally, step 4: Accept the mosquito bites. And embrace the itchy feeling of contributing to the mosquito cycle of life. And their human blood fetish.

If you do all of the steps in that exact order, mosquitos can no longer hurt you. And you’ll grow a thicker… bumpy, itchy, scabby, scarred skin. But you’ll be a hero and mosquitoes will worship you by continuing to suck the life out of you.

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