How To Stop Scratching Your 18 New Mosquito Bites


I just came back from vacation and I just couldn’t relax. The entire time I couldn’t stop thinking of how to stop scratching my 18 new mosquito bites.

Mosquitos are close cousins of fireflies, but not as bright. Turns out, when they reproduce, they use human blood for lube.

But I’m thankful for those bites because thanks to them, and my amazingly accurate problem-solving skills, I came up with four scientifically proven and personally tested steps that you can take. So next time you get bitten up by mosquitos, this is what you do:

Step 1: Jump and grab onto the tail of a car. Oh, and it might seem dumb that I even have to mention this, but: make sure the car you jump onto is actually moving, not parked. Don’t make my mistake.
Step 2: Shoot off fireworks. After you lose your fingers, you’ll forget all about those mosquito bites that you probably won’t be able to scratch now, anyway.
Step 3: Soak in a giant kids pool. If peeing on a jellyfish sting eases pain, well imagine how much pain relief is contained within a giant public kiddie pool. It’s the same idea, just not as weird.
And finally, step 4: Accept the mosquito bites. And embrace the itchy feeling of contributing to the mosquito cycle of life. And their human blood fetish.

If you do all of the steps in that exact order, mosquitos can no longer hurt you. And you’ll grow a thicker… bumpy, itchy, scabby, scarred skin. But you’ll be a hero and mosquitoes will worship you by continuing to suck the life out of you.

Empty Bench Taken For Granted


A bench was found empty yesterday evening at Weeping Willow Park.

Empty Bench

Despite all the trees surrounding it, not one of them attempted to sit down and let the bench do its job—by being a bench for everyone to enjoy.

The nearest weeping willow, upon being asked why it wouldn’t sit down, did not respond. It just kept on weeping… Because it was ashamed of itself for being caught taking a perfectly good park bench for granted and refused to admit it.

So I decided to step in because I wasn’t gonna take that bench for granted. I sat down and enjoyed the scenery.

The birds were singing. The sun was setting. A gentle breeze brushed by, and without being asked for commentary, it whispered, “Hey! You’re sitting on that tree’s dead brother’s face!”

I Took A Break From Twitter And Didn’t Tell Anyone. This Is My Story.


I took a break from Twitter and didn’t tell anyone. AND EVERYONE NOTICED. Well, no one asked me about it but trust me, I know everyone was wondering what happened. So I’m sharing my first-hand experience of what it was like to not tweet because it’s my job, as the World’s Most Trusted Illustrajournalist, to educate and inform you.

My goal was to not tweet for 3 months and I did it.

I should mention that I was supposed to stop reading Twitter, too, but I couldn’t stop reading twitter. Remembering how to read is important and there’s nothing else to read. And while reading tweets, instead of reacting to it all and tweeting about everything that triggered me, I had to sit there and stew in my own opinions. 3 months of not tweeting is the same as 3 months of holding in farts.

My farts on Twitter

This is a rare image of what my farts look like. I drink a lot of tequila so my farts are lethal but happy.

That reminds me. During those 3 months, I relapsed and tweeted once. But I don’t think it really counts because I only replied to a tweet instead of posting one, and it was to a friend’s tweet because it was important. She needed advice about salad. And we’re really good friends. It’s the type of friendship that is beyond pathetic private text messages. We handle our business by public tweet-mentions only. And if Twitter was gone tomorrow…

Anyway, my first-hand experience of no tweeting for 3 months: I learned a lot of nothing. What a waste of time. I should’ve been tweeting about trending hashtags and my favorite chapstick. Instead, I let all of my would’ve-been tweets build up in my head for 3 months and now all I have is useless millions of words in notebooks, that will never fit into whatever Twitter’s character limit is now.

I’ve thought about how people use Twitter in different ways. Before my break, I’ve been using Twitter to express myself, and to find my voice, and to develop and evolve as an artist. For over 10 years, Twitter has been how I’ve measured my self-worth as a human being. If you go look at some of my tweets from back then, you will find that you have too much time on your hands and should be contributing that time to society in a positive way, besides just stalking my awesome tweets.

The takeaway from all of this is something I learned a long time ago and just realized it all over again. And I’m going to pass it onto you. The universal truth is:

Listen less, talk more. Because when you’re talking, you’re already listening to the sound of your own farts. It’s only natural.