How To Appreciate Wine (Like A Classy Grownup)

How To Appreciate Wine

Wine is an acquired taste. A few years ago, I didn’t drink wine. I even kind of hated it. Now, I love it. Have no fear, I will gladly guide you through the steps of how to appreciate and acquire a taste for wine. But only if you’re 21 or older – an actual grownup.

Step 1: Have An Encouraging & Discouraging Parent

When your mother loves wine and encourages you to take a swig of it every time she has a glass, you are more likely to follow in her path of winelovedom. Plus, she already chose the wine label for you – Free wine!

When your mother is also encouraging you to follow her footsteps further, like her own idea of getting a “grownup job” and having “kids”, but you’re just not that into those ideas, it might feel discouraging to talk to her about things that are actually your life.

That’s a good thing, because it will give you more reason to want to drink something to numb the pain every time you talk to her. And with wine, you and your mom might finally have something in common.

Step 2: Move to Chicago

Chicago only has about 30 actual warm days per year, but it’s all worth it because there’s a liquor store at every corner. The wine selection at the store near your new apartment will more than make up for the fucked up weather.

When the “free heat” that was advertised isn’t running in your new apartment building, it gets chilly. But space heaters are too dangerous and trying to warm your hands in cold water all day can result in stalled productivity. Since you’re not paying for heat anyway, you can spend that extra cash to stock up on wine. You’ll be winning at wining, instead of whining about the weather.

Step 3: Care About Your Health, Kind Of

But why have wine, as opposed to other alcohol, when you move to Chicago? Because you can only have so many apple martinis before all that sugar and high fructose corn syrup starts to clog up your face and arteries. Sugar can cause zits and heart disease (also, diabeetus), but that shouldn’t keep you away from alcohol.

Just do a Google search for healthier alcohol and it will lead you to wine. At some point, you’ll stumble upon a wine article that you’ll just skim through until you see something that says “Why It’s Good for You,” and only read half of it before downing an entire bottle.

Step 4: Be A Classy Artist or Just Enjoy Art, Classily

When art galleries hold a reception for an art show, there’s 99% chance that they will serve wine. If there’s no wine, that’s okay, because you’ll be thinking drinking ahead and have a flask of wine in your pocket.

Classy art visitors attend the reception, mingle, and talk about classy art stuff. When you’re a classy artist or visitor, and experience some slight and/or soul-crushing anxiety during the reception, it simply means that you’re not drinking enough wine.

When you’re a classy art visitor, and some and/or all of the art at the show doesn’t make any sense to you, that’s not the art’s fault. It’s your own fault for not drinking enough wine.

Congratulations! You have just completed the wine appreciation course and you now appreciate wine. To celebrate, have some wine!


I Hate Waiting In Limes

LimesAreLame

GROCERY STORE—A groundbreaking new study suggests that people in a grocery store are more likely to spend their time shopping than waiting in limes.

The study happened by accident when I was grocery shopping and picked up one lime from the bottom of the lime pile. All of the sudden, the rest of the limes rolled off the stand to the ground. It was then that I became the only person in the store waiting in the limes for someone to come help me.

Although limes contain less Vitamin C than lemons, even when ingested correctly, limes are still 58% more painful to sit on than any other citrus I’ve ever knocked over.


Reader Judged For Reading Article

Huemans

INTERNET—A reader was mercilessly judged by at least six people today, for reading this exact news article. Those six people asked to remain anonymous because they “didn’t want to be associated with the reader’s name”. And, because they didn’t want anyone to judge them for judging the reader or be judged by that reader.

The reader also asked to remain anonymous because even the reader didn’t want to be associated with the reader’s own name for the possibility of being judged.

This very article was judged as important to everyone in question, judging by the time and energy they spent judging it. The article impacted them so much, that no one wanted to share it’s importance with anyone else. They all decided that no one else should know the important stuff they now know.


Staples Employee Denies Devouring Office Depot, OfficeMax, And A Little Dog, Too

Theodore Rex, a 7,298 year-old Staples employee, has been convicted of swallowing both of Staples competitor store chains, Office Depot and OfficeMax.

And just the day before being charged for that, Rex ate a dog that was tied to a pole by a 7-Eleven in the morning, tore apart a co-worker from limb-to-limb in the afternoon, and later swallowed a waiter whole in the evening at Olive Garden.

Rex has been charged for disorderly conduct for this raging behavior and sentenced to eight anger management classes.

Rex pleaded not guilty on all accounts. He said that the charges make no sense because he hasn’t harmed anyone at all, and that it was just a regular day.

“There was no dog at 7-Eleven, just a delicious doughnut! And my co-worker Simon wasn’t even at work yesterday so I had to eat my turkey sandwich at lunch alone. TURKEY SANDWICH. Yeah, I went to Olive Garden for dinner but no one even came to the table to take my order so I just ate all the free bread sticks and left.”

“And look, Office Depot and OfficeMax are fine!” he said, as he pointed to a Home Depot and a T.J. Maxx.

During his first anger management class, Rex complained that he couldn’t see the writing on the chalkboard, stating, “If only my hands could reach my face, I’d wear my damn glasses!”


Outraged Bird Complains While Audience Listens Attentively


Dinner And A Show

A rambunctious bird was tweeting expletives passive-aggressively at no one in particular while standing up on a maple tree Monday night. Her fellow bird friends took off as neighborhood cats started to surround the tree. The bird got offended that everybirdie else left, but was still too fixated on her own #FirstBirdProblems to notice the cats, and continued squawking.

“I can’t believe the terrible operating systems around here, especially the window ones. How do these geniuses expect us to join them for lunch once in a while to keep the peace between our species when they can’t even operate a window and open it? This is why you can’t have clean cars!”

“Speaking of lunch, if they provide bird-feeders for us, would it kill them to soak the seeds in water for a few hours first? I have no teeth, I’m a bird!”

“I bathe in dirt! I sleep on a pile of twigs! How is any of that good for my health? Oh, a birdbath and a birdhouse, just for me? Thank you, emPATHETIC human, but I don’t need your pity handout because I’m a strong, independent chick okay fine I’ll take it.”

“There’s this other bird who actually made a Twitter account @ProBirdRights. I’ve been REAL-LIFE tweeting since 2009. I bet he’s just doing it for attention!”

No further details about what happened to the bird and the cats, because I got bored and left, but I bet that someone got a dinner and a show.