The Best Health Benefits Of Drinking Teeth

Cup of Teeth

Improve your health and wellbeing nightly by disconnecting all your electronics, taking deep breaths, and reading a good book while enjoying a nice cup of teeth. Yes, a cup of teeth will give you your much-needed quiet time because your family and roommates will freak out and get the hell away from you.

A cup of teeth is good for your children whose adult teeth haven’t grown in yet. Your kids’ baby teeth will be inspired to grow strong because of the good role models from a cup of teeth. It’s also good for your teeth because your teeth need friends. Let’s be real, you can’t help but smile while drinking a smile and you can never have too many teeth.

It naturally contains no caffeine so a cup of teeth is safe to drink before bedtime. It will even reset your internal clock and you’ll wake up feeling sharp and alert promptly after your teeth-induced nightmares.

You can enjoy a cup of teeth by picking one up from any nursing home.

Inactivity Pays Off Student Debt

MY LAPTOP—I was trying to pay my student loan but all of the sudden a message popped up: “Session expired due to inactivity.” I couldn’t log back in. I did yoga, 10 jumping jacks, 20 burpees, and even ran 3 miles. But none of this was enough activity to log me in.

As a highly educated person who majored in Ostrichology at Saint Sebastian’s School for Rich Kids, I was appalled. They wanted my money for educating me but they didn’t educate me how to give them my money to pay off my education debt.

Then I realized that my college experience came through for me after all. Since I couldn’t log into my student loan with activity, it meant I no longer had student debt to pay. “Session expired due to inactivity” meant “student debt expired due to inactivity!” I no longer had student debt as long as I never exercised again.

What The Statue Of Liberty Really Thinks Of America

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LIBERTY ISLAND—Most people know that the Statue of Liberty has been trying to hail a cab and get off the island since she immigrated to America decades ago, but now you’ll get to know this French girl up close and personal in this exclusive interview.

Tanya Pshenychny: Why do you think it’s taken so long for a cab to stop for you?
Statue Of Liberty: It’s probably because I’m green. They have no idea what I’m made of. These cabbies look at me and keep driving. But then at the end of their shifts, they go drinking at bars and then steal the shiny copper Moscow mule mugs.

TP: Despite the cabbies, most people see you as a symbol of freedom. What do you think of that?
SOL: It’s kind of weird to me that people think that but okay, I guess. I don’t really feel free, just like everyone: dreaming about freedom with my head in the clouds but keep my feet on the ground because I am, how you say…stuck on an island.

TP: Since you’ve been stuck on an island, what’s the one thing you’ve brought with you?
SOL: I have this amazing, one-page book right here that I’ve been reading over and over, front-to-front. The only thing that’s been keeping me sane. If I could give it a review, I’d give it 50 stars–one for every state of denial that it’s an amazing book! The book JULY IV MDCCLXXVI is a psychological thriller, you’d love it.

TP: You seem like someone who doesn’t like to follow rules so I’m gonna guess your favorite type of music is punk rock, right?
SOL: Why? Just because of the spikes? It’s just functional fashion, keeps pigeons out of my face. Ok yeah, punk rock.

TP: Since pigeons aren’t in the way of your perspective, tell us what you really think of America?
SOL: It’s been a weird show. America is a weird band but it’s trying, I guess? I tried to help. I’ve even held up a lighter and yelled out requests but maybe they keep hearing me wrong? I’ve requested the popular punk rock song “Free Bird” but instead they played something totally shitty, like they must’ve heard me say something like “reverse”. And then just earlier I yelled, “Play some Petty” and now I regret it because I’m afraid of what they think they heard. Maybe it’s my accent.

TP: Now, let’s talk about what’s really important: Will you follow me on twitter?
SOL: …

TP: Liberty, will you follow me on twitter?
SOL: What? Oh, sorry. I’m busy reading this book again, byyeeeee.