The Results of the Most Accurate Poll


Transcript

I have the results of the poll we’ve all been waiting for: The most accurate personality test. I wanted this poll to be easily accessible, so I tweeted it and it reached the entire world. Here are the results.

TwitterResult_rock
At 25%, turns out that it’s the most rare personality type and they wanted everyone to know about it.

 

TwitterResult_scissorsAt 44%, turns out that paper plays the most important role in all our lives.

 

TwitterResult_scissors
At 31%, somehow this personality even had the attention span to keep reading after the other 2 options, because it’s the same personality that’s most likely to run with scissors.

 

The entire world saw this poll: that’s the total of 1,600 people. But only 118 people voted. And some of those people even tried to say that they’re the 3 personalities all at once. If that was even an option, their result would be… what, a nice city skyline?

Still, 1,482 did not vote. But I have good news: this poll was not anonymous. I can see exactly who all the voters are and who all the non-voters are. And I have a lot of time on my hands.

So to all you non-voters out there: I know where you work and I know where you sleep. And I’m on my way over to help you vote. To make this a little faster for you, I’m asking you now. Which one are you: rock, paper, or scissors?


Guy Late To Work, Blames It On His Dog


Transcript

A guy was late to work every day last week because people kept stopping him to pet his dog. And because the dog was a corgi,  people took extra time to bend down to reach the dog.

Guy Late To Work Blames Dog Corgi

And then people took even more time to snap selfies together. They took a bunch of selfies with the corgi because everybody just assumes that a corgi is friendly. But for some reason, nobody took selfies with the guy. It’s probably ’cause he seemed angry.

Eventually, the guy was able to tear away from the crowds, drop off the corgi at home, and head to the office. So I followed him there and watched him through the window. As he explained to his supervisors why he was late (because people kept stopping him to pet his dog) I was just thinking in my head, “There’s no way they’re going to believe him. They’re going to fire him!”

And they believed him! In fact, they hired that corgi to work at the office. A dog that gets that much attention must be special and they’re always looking for talent. So today, the guy still comes in late but he still holds the same position. But within the past week, the corgi has been promoted from Office Pet to The Guy’s Manager.


Car Wash 50% Off


Transcript

A local car wash was having a sale so I took my car in to get it cleaned. But as I drove out of the carwash, I noticed a little problem.

Car Wash

Half of my car was missing. The entire back end of my car was sliced clean off!

I wasn’t hurt but I was pissed off and terrified! I had friends back there and now they were missing. I went up and asked the clerk what the hell happened?!

He was like, “Ma’am, calm down.”

I couldn’t believe what he just said but it worked: I calmed down immediately! He proceeded to tell me that it’s part of the new promotion. Buy one car wash, and your other ones are 50% off.

Duh, I completely forgot about the sale. That’s the whole reason I even came to the car wash. Not only are my car washes are 50 % off, it’s also better on gas. Especially since I no longer have those friends, who kept asking me to drive them everywhere.