Awkward Encounter Caused By Selfish Dogs

Awkward Dogs

PARK—A dog and its puppy came up to me Monday night and acted as if they’ve known me for years. They kept jumping up and wagging their tails, trying to get me to lean over to pet them. I felt obligated to do something. I mean, what if we have met before and I’m the asshole who forgot.

Reluctantly, I leaned over, gave them both head scratches, told them they looked great, and asked them how’s the family. Neither one of them answered, though. The entire encounter between the dogs and me was an awkward one-way interaction. And not a single time did either one of them attempted to give me a head scratch back. The puppy did lick my hand a couple times but what kind of asshole does weird shit like that.

The Real Reason Why Unicorns Went Extinct

This Is Not A Unicorn illustration

WORLDWIDE—Experts confirmed Monday that unicorns became extinct years ago because no one believed in them. If only they had believed in themselves more.

Throughout history, unicorns have been pigeonholed as mystical creatures and definitely not real. The same experts came to the scientific conclusion that they could have totally survived if only people believed in them. I mean, it’s like a horse, which is believable. And a horn, also believable. But, apparently, not both of these things existing as one creature at the same time.

Unfortunately, the last unicorn documented in existence was in 1982. Even then, people didn’t believe in them enough. No one held walking marathons, 5K runs, or protests to raise money and awareness for unicorns.

Today, many years since their extinction, unicorns are more popular than ever. There are unicorn movies, toys, video games, and everything unicorn-imaginable. If unicorns knew that people started to believe in them now that they’re gone, they’d be so pissed at us.