Staples Employee Denies Devouring Office Depot, OfficeMax, And A Little Dog, Too

Theodore Rex, a 7,298 year-old Staples employee, has been convicted of swallowing both of Staples competitor store chains, Office Depot and OfficeMax.

And just the day before being charged for that, Rex ate a dog that was tied to a pole by a 7-Eleven in the morning, tore apart a co-worker from limb-to-limb in the afternoon, and later swallowed a waiter whole in the evening at Olive Garden.

Rex has been charged for disorderly conduct for this raging behavior and sentenced to eight anger management classes.

Rex pleaded not guilty on all accounts. He said that the charges make no sense because he hasn’t harmed anyone at all, and that it was just a regular day.

“There was no dog at 7-Eleven, just a delicious doughnut! And my co-worker Simon wasn’t even at work yesterday so I had to eat my turkey sandwich at lunch alone. TURKEY SANDWICH. Yeah, I went to Olive Garden for dinner but no one even came to the table to take my order so I just ate all the free bread sticks and left.”

“And look, Office Depot and OfficeMax are fine!” he said, as he pointed to a Home Depot and a T.J. Maxx.

During his first anger management class, Rex complained that he couldn’t see the writing on the chalkboard, stating, “If only my hands could reach my face, I’d wear my damn glasses!”

Outraged Bird Complains While Audience Listens Attentively

Dinner And A Show

A rambunctious bird was tweeting expletives passive-aggressively at no one in particular while standing up on a maple tree Monday night. Her fellow bird friends took off as neighborhood cats started to surround the tree. The bird got offended that everybirdie else left, but was still too fixated on her own #FirstBirdProblems to notice the cats, and continued squawking.

“I can’t believe the terrible operating systems around here, especially the window ones. How do these geniuses expect us to join them for lunch once in a while to keep the peace between our species when they can’t even operate a window and open it? This is why you can’t have clean cars!”

“Speaking of lunch, if they provide bird-feeders for us, would it kill them to soak the seeds in water for a few hours first? I have no teeth, I’m a bird!”

“I bathe in dirt! I sleep on a pile of twigs! How is any of that good for my health? Oh, a birdbath and a birdhouse, just for me? Thank you, emPATHETIC human, but I don’t need your pity handout because I’m a strong, independent chick okay fine I’ll take it.”

“There’s this other bird who actually made a Twitter account @ProBirdRights. I’ve been REAL-LIFE tweeting since 2009. I bet he’s just doing it for attention!”

No further details about what happened to the bird and the cats, because I got bored and left, but I bet that someone got a dinner and a show.

The Truth About Easter That Your Kids Should Never Ever Find Out

Easter Bunny's Little Helpers illustation

A group of former Playboy Bunnies confirmed Wednesday that, again this year, they will be spending Saturday night and early Sunday morning hiding colorful eggs for your children to find on Easter Day. The women said that they’ve been doing this because they’ve had a lot of time on their hands after the closing of the Playboy Clubs.

The Easter Bunny himself wasn’t available for comment, but The Bunnies report that he continues to outsource the work to them because he doesn’t have time to hide Easter eggs for every child in the world in one night and, instead, spends more time with his own family. Especially since his wife has just given birth to their 327th child.

Kelly Green, the green Bunny, commends all the parents for doing such a great job of continuing to keep this business a secret from their kids so they can be blissfully surprised while hunting for eggs on Easter morning. Green is on the road a lot now, but she’s is an a expat of Galesburg, IL who started working for the Easter Bunny in 2005 when she dropped out of an online art school because she ran out of money. In this economy, she says that she’s lucky to have a job that matches her outfit.