I Spilled My Coffee

I Spilled My Coffee

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A cup of coffee was wastefully splattered all over the sidewalk. I noticed it while walking to my train to go home and immediately felt bad for the person who must have dropped their hot coffee on the ground instead of getting to drop it in the lap of someone who actually deserved it, bigly.

To make up for that, I had to get a coffee to smash of my own. Studies show that if you see a splattered coffee cup and don’t suddenly feel the irresistible urge to go get a coffee to smash, too, you’re probably a psychopath.

So, naturally, I went to the nearest coffee shop, got a coffee, and came back to this same spot. I smashed my coffee on the sidewalk. I compared it to the original. But it wasn’t the same. My splatter was nowhere near as long. And to my terror, my coffee didn’t reach anyone’s lap, either. I had to try again.

I got another coffee, came back to my spot, lifted it high above my head, and grunted like a person who hates coffee as I smashed it into the ground. Better? No. It wasn’t. This splatter had no shape or form–just looked like a disappointing, giant caffeine obliteration. The only good part about it was that there was no one around me to see my failure of not spilling the coffee on a deserving party’s lap. There must have been a secret to this that I still haven’t mastered yet. So, I got another coffee and came back.

I raised this coffee to my eye-level, concentrated on the cup for a moment, yelled violently like person who loves coffee but hasn’t had their daily fix yet, pinky up, took a sip, and satisfyingly walked to my train where I sat down, accidentally bumped into the passenger next to me, and spilled my hot coffee on my lap.


Minimalist Hipster Celebrates Independence Day Without Fireworks by Making Shadow Puppets

EagleShadowPuppet

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A local minimalist hipster celebrated Fourth of July without fireworks this year. Instead, Gaston Granville Johnston opted for making gestures with hands, which cast shadows of American symbols against the minimalist painting in the living-kitchen-bath room at his 400-square-foot family home. The entire nine-foot wide canvas of the painting happened to be painted completely white as it was being lit up by the neighbor’s colorful firework show from the window.

Johnston rejected the idea of buying a bunch of stuff just for the holiday and having to use fireworks to create memories and entertain his two teenage sons and their friends at the annual get-together. He pointed out that this alternative is much better and safer while ignoring his kids’ pleas to buy real fireworks or else they’ll get beat up at school tomorrow.


Freeloading, Jerk Fish Mocks Generous, Nice Fisherman

The One That Got Away - fish fishing handcuffs

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LAKE MICHIGAN—Rupert Grump, 69, reported that one particular fish kept swimming around but didn’t take a single bite of the food that was being offered. Instead, the slimy creature seemed to be mocking him. “How rude,” said Grump, as the Bluefish lifted her tail out of the water and bent it into a shape of a middle finger. Grump pleaded, “I’m trying to make Lake Michigan great again!”

“Sadly, I’ve seen this happen before. It’s just like that one time last Friday when some dope kept trying to give me caviar even though I definitely said that I don’t want caviar,” said the unthankful fish.

Upon being asked about what the hell this fish actually wants, the cheeky beggar reported that she wants a lot of stuff, including aquatic healthcare, affordable schools of fish, and amnesty for undocumented immigrant bluefishes.

“I’m doing these freeloaders a favor,” the helpful fisherman continued while posting selfies on Instagram and waiting very patiently for bites on the fishing line. “These floppy idiots deserve to be behind a tall glass wall of an aquarium. Could at least say thank you for the nourishment I’m giving out–it’s #1 in New York, Florida.”

At press time, a different fish–a passer-by Suckermouth Catfish, swam by and swallowed Grump’s substance without question. Grump promptly pulled on the line and then posted another selfie to congratulate himself for catching another sucker.