Average Heroes #1: The Pigeon Whisperer

Believe it or not, there are super-average people out there who do super-average things. These people are not ordinary. They are extra ordinary! (No, no, they’re not extraordinary. They are ordinary, plus even more ordinary.)

Some of them enjoy coffee with cream and sugar. Some fart and blame it on the dog. Some drive their cars 4 miles above the speed limit. These people look just like you and I, but when they do the same things we do, they do it a little differently. They do everything super-averagely!

They are:

Average Heroes

Average Hero #1 – The Pigeon Whisperer

One cold but sunny winter morning, I’m wandering around a Chicago neighborhood in search of an art supply store. In my path, I approach piles and piles of pecking and pushy pigeons. They. Are. Everywhere! I look around this feathered carpet and see a figure in the distance.

It’s a bird!

It’s a plane!

It’s Alfred Hitchcock!

Here, birdy birdy!

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Nope.

It’s just a very nice gentleman throwing around breadcrumbs.

“Sorry about that,” he mutters, busy with his pigeons.

“Don’t be sorry, you’re their hero,” I say and slowly tiptoe through the pigeon mosh pit, hoping none of the birds poop on me.

Pigeons WORSHIP him. Men want to BE him. He is not afraid of anything! Not stinky pigeon poop. Not silly mites or diseases they may carry. Not even those dumb $500 fines for feeding, what the city unfortunately refers to them as, “pests”.

This man is single-handedly reviving a civilization of our oft misunderstood, fellow city-dwellers who are just trying to survive.


Wisdom: Viagra Makes A Great Point

On an escalator. On my way to catch a Redline train. Out of nowhere, there’s a voice behind me:

“I heard they’re going to start putting Viagra into Chapstick. They want people to keep a stiff upper lip.”

Stiff Upper Lip

I laugh. I turn around. I find a tiny, elder lady, wearing a long jean-overalls dress and a baseball cap, grinning at me.

She made such a great, random wisecrack, she deserves an “Awesome of the Year” award.

Naturally, this caused me to do some reading to learn how Viagra works. And it just so happens that taking a Viagra pill is just like retaining knowledge: It’s useless without stimulation. All your life experiences are the stimulation to the knowledge you retain. Your experiences create wisdom. (Hopefully!)

A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth. But if you are very wise, you just might have a stiff upper lip of steel.


How To Warm Your Hands in Cold Water

Warm Hands, Cold Water

Ever feel like you’re roughing out in the wild, right there in your own apartment?

No heat? No hot water? No problem!

Next time you’re washing your hands in the cold water, just rub your hands together really fast to create a fire.

You won’t get burned because the pouring water will immediately put out any sparks or flames, and as a result, your hands will warm up from the steam that’s happening.

However, it is dangerous to rub your hands together without running water over them at the same time. Without the water to put out the flames, you could set your hands on fire. That wouldn’t be good. Not good, at all.

If you live in Chicago or areas nearby, (or Colorado!) you know that the weather has really been running hot and cold this past April. This, however, doesn’t stop most landlords from shutting off the heat to their apartment buildings. It’s Spring, after all!

To make things worse, if there’s work being done to your apartment building, the hot water could be turned off during one of those cold days, too. That’s exactly what happened to me one day, a few weeks ago. I couldn’t simply wash my hands without feeling like I’m about to freeze to death! Thankfully, my fond memories of camping and roughing it in the past are well ingrained, and inspired me to come up with this solution right there on-the-spot.

Another way to fix this chilling problem could be by setting up a small campfire in the middle of your living space. Just gather all those old clothes, that you’ve been putting off donating to your local trash bin, in a nice pile on the floor. Or you can get some sticks and leaves from a nearby park. Light them on fire and, ahhh feel the wonderful warmth. Much better! For extra fun, roast some marshmallows and make S’mores.

Your landlord and neighbors might smell the smoke or the S’mores, so don’t be surprised if you hear knocks on your door from them. They’re probably cold just like you and would like to join you.

A few firemen might kick your door in, too. But don’t worry, bro. They’re just really excited about s’mores. Firemen spend a long time being bored while sitting around the fire station and waiting for boring fire calls, And then they have to be all like, “Ugh. I have go to save lives now. Again.” Welcome in those weary souls so they can enjoy sharing s’mores and stories by the campfire with you. S’more, s’merrier!