Aren’t You Too Old For Birthdays?

Party Animals

Did you know that the cone-shaped party hat stems from the era of dunce caps? Of course, that would be the perfect fashion accessory to wear for someone getting their stomach pumped after over-celebrating their 21st birthday.

A long time ago, the average life expectancy for humans was really short, so surviving another year without ending up a human sacrifice was actually something to celebrate. Today, if we celebrate a birthday too hard, we can sacrifice our own life for it.

But if you ever feel like you’re “too old” to celebrate birthdays, here is your official permission slip from your inner-adult to your inner-child for your next birthday:

(Your name) has my permission to have birthday cake and eat it, too.

Feel free to substitute the cake for your own favorite thing, whatever that may be: wine, TLC albums, or ball gags… Just remember, it takes two to tango this delicate dance of your inner-adult trying to avoid having to actually tango and your inner-child doing “The Chicken Dance” dance moves backwards while jumping on the bed.

The #1 Secret Ingredient For Baking Delicious Cookies


After a study of dozens of successful and failed attempts of baking cookies, it has been confirmed that one ingredient is a must-have for any recipe:


Anxiety is not sold in any stores, you can’t order it from TV or online. The following steps will help you get the coveted anxiety that will guarantee amazingly baked cookies every time.

First, follow your favorite cookie recipe and then:

1. Consider the people for whom you’re making these cookies. What kind of cookies would people want to eat? Chocolate? Or was that anchovies? What if someone is allergic to anchovies?

You just added nuts into the mix, but did you even consider nut allergies, you murderer? Now you have to throw out this mix and start all over.

2. Remember to check and double check that every ingredient that went into the cookie dough is fresh. How can you be sure that expiration date stamped on the egg carton isn’t a lie by the egg corporation that uses eggs from genetically mummified chicken carcasses, which we won’t find out about until the lie is exposed and by then we’ve already eaten hundreds of eggs within our lifetime?

Is that a blood spot on the yolk of the egg you just cracked open into the mix? Now you have to throw out this mix and start all over.

3. Think about how you could get hair into the mix even though you put it up in a pony tail. Maybe you don’t even have long hair, but you’re just sure that some stray hair or goat will come out of nowhere and will get into the cookie dough if you aren’t super, extra careful mixing it.

Imagine all those dead skin flakes, beach balls, and kites floating around in the air at any given second. They’re landing on the cookie dough! Now you have to throw out this mix and start all over.

4. Keep in mind that there’s a possibility that the cookies could come out under-cooked or burnt. If you’ve finally gotten the cookie dough in the oven, what if the oven is too hot? Maybe watching them and poking them with a toothpick every few minutes will help? Toothpicks are sharp, what if it hurts the cookies?

Just in case the cookies get lonely in there, take them out every few minutes, gaze lovingly at them, and give them positive affirmations. If they’re under-cooked, put them back in the oven to bake longer so they can become emotionally mature enough to accept their fate of being mauled and eaten alive. But if they’re burnt, throw out the cookies and start all over.

5. Under NO circumstances should you park your car into the cookies.

If all that fails to give you anxiety, just remember this: Even if you’ve followed the recipe and these steps exactly, it’s still possible that the cookies will turn out shitty.

One Year Ago Today – Russia Targeted By Cupid With Meteor

Recently, Russia has been receiving lots of bad publicity about various things such as malfunctions at The Sochi 2014 Winter Olympics, anti-gay agendas, and its dealings with Ukraine. Evidence shows that it’s all Cupid’s fault.


Last year, a meteor struck the Chelyabinsk area in Russia the day after Valentine’s Day. The following story proves how the chain of events all started:

The Russian Meteor – From Cupid, With Love
February 15, 2013

BREAKING NEWS: The real culprit behind the Russian Meteor is believed to be none other than Cupid.

Experts note that Cupid has been behind many different disastrous relations with his past attempts to make people fall in love. With his favorite day, Valentine’s Day, just passing, it comes as no surprise that the Love Sniper been up to his tricks, again.

More recent events around the world are still under investigation to find whether Cupid was also involved.