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What The Statue Of Liberty Really Thinks Of America

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LIBERTY ISLAND—Most people know that the Statue of Liberty has been trying to hail a cab and get off the island since she immigrated to America decades ago, but now you’ll get to know this French girl up close and personal in this exclusive interview.

Tanya Pshenychny: Why do you think it’s taken so long for a cab to stop for you?
Statue Of Liberty: It’s probably because I’m green. They have no idea what I’m made of. These cabbies look at me and keep driving. But then at the end of their shifts, they go drinking at bars and then steal the shiny copper Moscow mule mugs.

TP: Despite the cabbies, most people see you as a symbol of freedom. What do you think of that?
SOL: It’s kind of weird to me that people think that but okay, I guess. I don’t really feel free, just like everyone: dreaming about freedom with my head in the clouds but keep my feet on the ground because I am, how you say…stuck on an island.

TP: Since you’ve been stuck on an island, what’s the one thing you’ve brought with you?
SOL: I have this amazing, one-page book right here that I’ve been reading over and over, front-to-front. The only thing that’s been keeping me sane. If I could give it a review, I’d give it 50 stars–one for every state of denial that it’s an amazing book! The book JULY IV MDCCLXXVI is a psychological thriller, you’d love it.

TP: You seem like someone who doesn’t like to follow rules so I’m gonna guess your favorite type of music is punk rock, right?
SOL: Why? Just because of the spikes? It’s just functional fashion, keeps pigeons out of my face. Ok yeah, punk rock.

TP: Since pigeons aren’t in the way of your perspective, tell us what you really think of America?
SOL: It’s been a weird show. America is a weird band but it’s trying, I guess? I tried to help. I’ve even held up a lighter and yelled out requests but maybe they keep hearing me wrong? I’ve requested the popular punk rock song “Free Bird” but instead they played something totally shitty, like they must’ve heard me say something like “reverse”. And then just earlier I yelled, “Play some Petty” and now I regret it because I’m afraid of what they think they heard. Maybe it’s my accent.

TP: Now, let’s talk about what’s really important: Will you follow me on twitter?
SOL: …

TP: Liberty, will you follow me on twitter?
SOL: What? Oh, sorry. I’m busy reading this book again, byyeeeee.


Everything’s On Fire So Remaining Months Of This Year Will End With “Ember”

Octember
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The rest of the months of the year will end with “ember” because everything is on fire. In fact, most of 2017 has been a dumpster fire but the month-naming person, whose name I forgot to write down, had the strength to keep naming each month something interesting, such as “‘May’ this month be okay, please?” and until September, which combines the words “septic” and “ember”.

Which “ember” month will be your favorite? Mine will be Octember, of course!


Adorable Toddler Committed Copyright Infringement

Toddler chasing a pigeon

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NEW YORK—What seemed to be a regular sunny Tuesday afternoon in Madison Square Park was overshadowed by a crime taking place. A toddler committed copyright infringement by chasing after a pigeon.

Lots of children chase pigeons but to legally chase a pigeon, you have to register first. What sets this event apart from the others is that this particular 2-year old was not registered to chase pigeons and he knew exactly what he was doing.

The child didn’t arrive at the park on his own, nor did he ask to be brought there–but because his vocabulary range consists of incoherent babbling, “choo-choo twains”, and his favorite word “no!”, if he was a morally good human, he would have stood his ground and told his parents, “NO goto paaaawwwwhkkkhh!”

Instead, he allowed his parents (a corrupt couple who will stop at nothing to escape boredom and make sure their kid has fun breaking the law while they all breathe in air that belongs to people who got there before them) to bring him to the park where he immediately went after what he wanted all along: to appear to be a normal human by copying those who actually are.

The deceivingly adorable toddler was getting away with this until he finally chased the wrong pigeon at the wrong time. Today he’s been told that he’s banned from the park and to “go back where you came from” in the letter of cease & decease because the pigeon-chasing time slot of 3:26 pm to 3:30 pm on Tuesdays belongs to a 70-year old normal human named Todd Ler, who’s been chasing pigeons his entire life.