Wine is an acquired taste. A few years ago, I didn’t drink wine. I even kind of hated it. Now, I love it. Have no fear, I will gladly guide you through the steps of how to appreciate and acquire a taste for wine. But only if you’re 21 or older – an actual grownup.

Step 1: Have An Encouraging & Discouraging Parent

When your mother loves wine and encourages you to take a swig of it every time she has a glass, you are more likely to follow in her path of winelovedom. Plus, she already chose the wine label for you – Free wine!

When your mother is also encouraging you to follow her footsteps further, like her own idea of getting a “grownup job” and having “kids”, but you’re just not that into those ideas, it might feel discouraging to talk to her about things that are actually your life.

That’s a good thing, because it will give you more reason to want to drink something to numb the pain every time you talk to her. And with wine, you and your mom might finally have something in common.

Step 2: Move to Chicago

Chicago only has about 30 actual warm days per year, but it’s all worth it because there’s a liquor store at every corner. The wine selection at the store near your new apartment will more than make up for the fucked up weather.

When the “free heat” that was advertised isn’t running in your new apartment building, it gets chilly. But space heaters are too dangerous and trying to warm your hands in cold water all day can result in stalled productivity. Since you’re not paying for heat anyway, you can spend that extra cash to stock up on wine. You’ll be winning at wining, instead of whining about the weather.

Step 3: Care About Your Health, Kind Of

But why have wine, as opposed to other alcohol, when you move to Chicago? Because you can only have so many apple martinis before all that sugar and high fructose corn syrup starts to clog up your face and arteries. Sugar can cause zits and heart disease (also, diabeetus), but that shouldn’t keep you away from alcohol.

Just do a Google search for healthier alcohol and it will lead you to wine. At some point, you’ll stumble upon a wine article that you’ll just skim through until you see something that says “Why It’s Good for You,” and only read half of it before downing an entire bottle.

Step 4: Be A Classy Artist or Just Enjoy Art, Classily

When art galleries hold a reception for an art show, there’s 99% chance that they will serve wine. If there’s no wine, that’s okay, because you’ll be thinking drinking ahead and have a flask of wine in your pocket.

Classy art visitors attend the reception, mingle, and talk about classy art stuff. When you’re a classy artist or visitor, and experience some slight and/or soul-crushing anxiety during the reception, it simply means that you’re not drinking enough wine.

When you’re a classy art visitor, and some and/or all of the art at the show doesn’t make any sense to you, that’s not the art’s fault. It’s your own fault for not drinking enough wine.

Congratulations! You have just completed the wine appreciation course and you now appreciate wine. To celebrate, have some wine!