Theodore Rex, a 7,298 year-old Staples employee, has been convicted of swallowing both of Staples competitor store chains, Office Depot and OfficeMax.

And just the day before being charged for that, Rex ate a dog that was tied to a pole by a 7-Eleven in the morning, tore apart a co-worker from limb-to-limb in the afternoon, and later swallowed a waiter whole in the evening at Olive Garden.

Rex has been charged for disorderly conduct for this raging behavior and sentenced to eight anger management classes.

Rex pleaded not guilty on all accounts. He said that the charges make no sense because he hasn’t harmed anyone at all, and that it was just a regular day.

“There was no dog at 7-Eleven, just a delicious doughnut! And my co-worker Simon wasn’t even at work yesterday so I had to eat my turkey sandwich at lunch alone. TURKEY SANDWICH. Yeah, I went to Olive Garden for dinner but no one even came to the table to take my order so I just ate all the free bread sticks and left.”

“And look, Office Depot and OfficeMax are fine!” he said, as he pointed to a Home Depot and a T.J. Maxx.

During his first anger management class, Rex complained that he couldn’t see the writing on the chalkboard, stating, “If only my hands could reach my face, I’d wear my damn glasses!”

A group of former Playboy Bunnies confirmed Wednesday that, again this year, they will be spending Saturday night and early Sunday morning hiding colorful eggs for your children to find on Easter Day. The women said that they’ve been doing this because they’ve had a lot of time on their hands after the closing of the Playboy Clubs.

The Easter Bunny himself wasn’t available for comment, but The Bunnies report that he continues to outsource the work to them because he doesn’t have time to hide Easter eggs for every child in the world in one night and, instead, spends more time with his own family. Especially since his wife has just given birth to their 327th child.

Kelly Green, the green Bunny, commends all the parents for doing such a great job of continuing to keep this business a secret from their kids so they can be blissfully surprised while hunting for eggs on Easter morning. Green is on the road a lot now, but she’s is an a expat of Galesburg, IL who started working for the Easter Bunny in 2005 when she dropped out of an online art school because she ran out of money. In this economy, she says that she’s lucky to have a job that matches her outfit.