A Sext From Your Phone


Dear You,

I had a really nice time last night. Just wanted to let you know that, in case you couldn’t tell even though it’s written all over my face.

I could tell you were interested in me way more than that conversation at dinner with your date because you kept checking me out and picking me up. You just couldn’t keep your eyes and hands off of me! Three’s a crowd but two is company, and I’m glad that “date” finally took the hint and left so that there were just the two of us, because I truly less-than-three you.

At the end of the night, it was great when we went back to your place and got under the blankets where you shifted up and down, and side to side, until we both got really wet. It’s rigorous trying to match up all those little candies correctly in Candy Crush Soda Saga and your OCD made you very sweaty. But you popped all the bottles! Juicy!

Your Phone

You Are Watching The Super Owl


Congratulations, you are currently watching the super owl. There it is up there. Isn’t it cute? Go on, say hi!

It doesn’t do much. It doesn’t have to. It just kind of looks at you inquisitively, as if it’s curious because it has the reputation of being smart.

Don’t fall for that, though. It’s actually pretty stupid. Owls can’t even talk. Super owl’s super power is appearing to be very intelligent while listening to you talk even though it has no idea what the hell you’re saying.

How Global Warming Was Caused By Plastic Surgery


Over the years, humans have become slightly more attractive thanks to the invention of plastic surgery. But now, because everyone on earth has become so smokin’ hot, we have caused global warming.

A few trillion years ago, the earth used to be a giant ocean, and we humans were all slimy, prehistoric fish things. We spent our days just squirming around and slurping up whatever floated into our gaping jowls.

By the time plastic surgery came around, everyone wanted in on it. Without a new uni-brow, a certain caveman wouldn’t have had enough confidence to share his “wheel” invention. Even pirates had some work done to continue to pirate, with gold teeth, hook hands, and peg legs.

But today, we’re evolving back to our original fishy form. By the time the ice caps melt, we’ll have our giant ocean back. So, chill out enjoy the tide.

If you can’t chill out because of the global warming part – cool off in front of the wind turbines that we’ve surgically implanted into the ground. But we you don’t see any wind turbines around, maybe it’s time to surgically implant ourselves some damn gills.