Lifestyles


Study Reveals: When Laundry Folds, You Win

Why is it that sometimes laundry adds up in a stinky pile that gets higher than Paul Bunyan in a forest of Royal Pine air fresheners?

Every time you do your dirty laundry, it all comes out in the wash. But, that fresh smell of clean unmentionables right out of the dryer isn’t even worth mentioning, because the best part is: FOLDING!

Laundry FOLDS so that means YOU WIN. All those times you’ve done your laundry, you have beaten it EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Some laundry even ends up hanged until we choose a garment skin in which to parade around. But choose early and often, or moths will get to it first. Then, all you’ll have left are skeletons in the closet.


Aren’t You Too Old For Birthdays?

Party Animals

Did you know that the cone-shaped party hat stems from the era of dunce caps? Of course, that would be the perfect fashion accessory to wear for someone getting their stomach pumped after over-celebrating their 21st birthday.

A long time ago, the average life expectancy for humans was really short, so surviving another year without ending up a human sacrifice was actually something to celebrate. Today, if we celebrate a birthday too hard, we can sacrifice our own life for it.

But if you ever feel like you’re “too old” to celebrate birthdays, here is your official permission slip from your inner-adult to your inner-child for your next birthday:

(Your name) has my permission to have birthday cake and eat it, too.

Feel free to substitute the cake for your own favorite thing, whatever that may be: wine, TLC albums, or ball gags… Just remember, it takes two to tango this delicate dance of your inner-adult trying to avoid having to actually tango and your inner-child doing “The Chicken Dance” dance moves backwards while jumping on the bed.


What Does Your Halloween Costume Reveal About You?

 

Cups Of Royal Tea

♫ So, la-da-di-da-di
We like tea parties ♪

YOHO: You Only Halloween Once (per year):

Time to put on really weird clothes and run around streets pounding on doors while nearly breaking into homes with our gaping jaws in search of candy. At the end of the night, we can dump our candy buckets in the middle of our living room floors and feast like savages on the harvested sweets. Nothing can stop us! Except maybe a candy-induced coma.

Halloween is the only day of the year we can reveal who we truly are by putting on costumes. And no one knows any better because Halloween is a day known for “dressing up”.

Exclusive Interview with The Queen of Hearts:

We took a walk with The Queen of Hearts, and former peacock, Anya Valerie to learn more about how she likes to YOHO (per year).

IllustrArticles: Shit. Ok. I think I’m recording now.

Anya Valerie: Ok, ask me again.

IA: What made you want to be The Queen of Hearts and your boyfriend Stosh a flamingo (this year)?

AV: I always like intricate, nice costumes. And.. just…

IA: Don’t worry. I’m not, like, going to put this on the website, or anything.

AV: Oh. Um. I just liked it and I bought some cheap costumes so I’m just going to make some upgrades to it.

IA: But what made you want to be The Queen of Hearts this year, specifically?

AV: I saw some other people’s costumes last year but their weren’t that cool and I wanna make mine cooler.

IA: What does your boyfriend think of being a flamingo?

AV: He likes to do stupid costumes but procrastinates on his costumes. But he likes doing couple’s costumes, so I thought this would be a funny one.

IA: This is funny because the actual Queen of Hearts is a bit of a bitch and treats the flamingos badly.

AV: Well, he might just wear a flamingo hat.

IA: So you’re not actually going to pick him up by his legs and shake him around while using his face to play croquet?

AV: No.

IA: What’s your favorite costume you’ve worn in the past?

AV: My favorite one, of all time, ever, is my peacock costume because I made it. I got my inspiration from a costume online that was over $200. So, I decided, instead of spending all that money, I would make my own and make it better. I spent about 40 hours on it. Hey, we need to turn here.

IA: Oh, oops. Why do you like peacocks so much?

AV: Because of their color of the feathers and iridescence. And.. I just do. I dunno.

So, there we have it:

1. You’re more likely to successfully YOHO (per year) if you make your own costume because you can make it better than what’s for sale at the stores. We may only Halloween once (per year), but these memories will last YOlifetime.

2. It’s easy to say that if you procrastinate on your costume, you might end up a flamingo. Or if you force your boyfriend to wear a flamingo costume, you might be a bit of a Queen of Hearts. But consider that if you’re secure enough to be The Queen of Hearts or a flamingo for Halloween, you’re might actually be revealing that you are a fun person, who is also HalloWINNING at YOHO (each year).

UPDATE: The night before this illustrarticle was about to be posted, we were notified by Anya that she and her boyfriend Stosh are no longer going to be dressing up as Queen of Hearts and a flamingo because they are attending a charity event, dressed up as themselves, instead. #HalloWINNING

What does your Unhalloween costume reveal about you?