Broken Flip-Flop Ruins Life

I was walking at the park one morning and took my shoes off to walk barefoot in the grass. “I wish I walked barefoot more often,” I said to myself.

Later that afternoon, I was walking down the street as one of my flip-flops broke and slipped off my foot. Unable to fix it, I took off my other flip-flop and continued to walk barefoot on the hot, hard concrete.

It had dawned on me that I had gotten my wish, but I should have been more specific. What I should have said was:

“I wish I walked barefoot more often IN THE GRASS, to my MERCEDES-BENZ, with my pockets filled with WADS OF CASH, while CROWDS OF PEOPLE BEGGED FOR MY AUTOGRAPH after seeing the CANDID PHOTOS OF ME IN TABLOID MAGAZINES, THAT WERE TAKEN BY PAPARAZZI PHOTOGRAPHERS, WHO CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD DURING MY HUMBLE MOMENT OF walking barefoot in the grass.”

That was 23 years ago. Now I’m 29. To this very day, filled with unfulfillment, I clench that broken flip-flop in my hand and feel the scotching pavement on my bare feet with every bitter step I take.

Why Dogs Bark At Night

BarkInTheDark

CHICAGO — Local dog provides a thorough explanation on the alleged barking that has been happening throughout the neighborhoods worldwide:

“Woof.”

Since I’m fluent in Dog, a translated transcription:

“We bark at night because we’re trying to get discovered. When it’s night time, it gets very dark and too hard to see, let alone land a record deal. Who can think about fame at a time like that? We make noises so that someone hears and responds. That response is the only way I can know for sure that I still exist and haven’t disappeared into the oblivion with the rest of the world when the sun set.”

“Yes, I can see the moon just fine, thank you. That’s how I know that I should go into the light.”

Upon further investigation, I have also discovered why dogs are loving, loyal, and just fucking gallop around a park as soon as the leash comes off to sniff absolutely everything. Especially butts.  Because until the moment that the sun sets, dogs are literally living each day like it’s their last.

Study Reveals: When Laundry Folds, You Win

Why is it that sometimes laundry adds up in a stinky pile that gets higher than Paul Bunyan in a forest of Royal Pine air fresheners?

Every time you do your dirty laundry, it all comes out in the wash. But, that fresh smell of clean unmentionables right out of the dryer isn’t even worth mentioning, because the best part is: FOLDING!

Laundry FOLDS so that means YOU WIN. All those times you’ve done your laundry, you have beaten it EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Some laundry even ends up hanged until we choose a garment skin in which to parade around. But choose early and often, or moths will get to it first. Then, all you’ll have left are skeletons in the closet.

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