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Minimalist Hipster Celebrates Independence Day Without Fireworks by Making Shadow Puppets

EagleShadowPuppet

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A local minimalist hipster celebrated Fourth of July without fireworks this year. Instead, Gaston Granville Johnston opted for making gestures with hands, which cast shadows of American symbols against the minimalist painting in the living-kitchen-bath room at his 400-square-foot family home. The entire nine-foot wide canvas of the painting happened to be painted completely white as it was being lit up by the neighbor’s colorful firework show from the window.

Johnston rejected the idea of buying a bunch of stuff just for the holiday and having to use fireworks to create memories and entertain his two teenage sons and their friends at the annual get-together. He pointed out that this alternative is much better and safer while ignoring his kids’ pleas to buy real fireworks or else they’ll get beat up at school tomorrow.


Freeloading, Jerk Fish Mocks Generous, Nice Fisherman

The One That Got Away - fish fishing handcuffs

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LAKE MICHIGAN—Rupert Grump, 69, reported that one particular fish kept swimming around but didn’t take a single bite of the food that was being offered. Instead, the slimy creature seemed to be mocking him. “How rude,” said Grump, as the Bluefish lifted her tail out of the water and bent it into a shape of a middle finger. Grump pleaded, “I’m trying to make Lake Michigan great again!”

“Sadly, I’ve seen this happen before. It’s just like that one time last Friday when some dope kept trying to give me caviar even though I definitely said that I don’t want caviar,” said the unthankful fish.

Upon being asked about what the hell this fish actually wants, the cheeky beggar reported that she wants a lot of stuff, including aquatic healthcare, affordable schools of fish, and amnesty for undocumented immigrant bluefishes.

“I’m doing these freeloaders a favor,” the helpful fisherman continued while posting selfies on Instagram and waiting very patiently for bites on the fishing line. “These floppy idiots deserve to be behind a tall glass wall of an aquarium. Could at least say thank you for the nourishment I’m giving out–it’s #1 in New York, Florida.”

At press time, a different fish–a passer-by Suckermouth Catfish, swam by and swallowed Grump’s substance without question. Grump promptly pulled on the line and then posted another selfie to congratulate himself for catching another sucker.


I Hate Waiting In Limes

Limes Are Lame illustration
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GROCERY STORE—A groundbreaking new study suggests that people in a grocery store are more likely to spend their time shopping than waiting in limes.

The study happened by accident when I was grocery shopping and picked up one lime from the bottom of the lime pile. All of the sudden, the rest of the limes rolled off the stand to the ground. It was then that I became the only person in the store waiting in the limes for someone to come help me.

Although limes contain less Vitamin C than lemons, even when ingested correctly, limes are still 58% more painful to sit on than any other citrus I’ve ever knocked over.