A rambunctious bird was tweeting expletives passive-aggressively at no one in particular while standing up on a maple tree Monday night. Her fellow bird friends took off as neighborhood cats started to surround the tree. The bird got offended that everybirdie else left, but was still too fixated on her own #FirstBirdProblems to notice the cats, and continued squawking.
“I can’t believe the terrible operating systems around here, especially the window ones. How do these geniuses expect us to join them for lunch once in a while to keep the peace between our species when they can’t even operate a window and open it? This is why you can’t have clean cars!”
“Speaking of lunch, if they provide bird-feeders for us, would it kill them to soak the seeds in water for a few hours first? I have no teeth, I’m a bird!”
“I bathe in dirt! I sleep on a pile of twigs! How is any of that good for my health? Oh, a birdbath and a birdhouse, just for me? Thank you, emPATHETIC human, but I don’t need your pity handout because I’m a strong, independent chick okay fine I’ll take it.”
“There’s this other bird who actually made a Twitter account @ProBirdRights. I’ve been REAL-LIFE tweeting since 2009. I bet he’s just doing it for attention!”
No further details about what happened to the bird and the cats, because I got bored and left, but I bet that someone got a dinner and a show.