Learn Your Life Purpose by Drinking Coffee

Call Of Nature

Okay. So. Don’t trip but I totally forgot to add another step to last week’s illustrarticle, 3 Easy Steps to Total Mind Control. This step really deserves an illustrarticle all on its own because it isn’t much of a step while it’s the most important of all steps. Yes, even more important than breathing. This is like going from point A to point P.

To Pee Or Not To Pee?

P is for Purpose. Doing something on purpose is when you’re doing something that’s useful to yourself and others. If you’re don’t know your purpose, you will figure it out. It can be as natural as peeing. Pee on purpose! You’re probably already doing it. (What, right this minute? Ew.)

The most intense urge of needing to pee happened to me about a month ago, while a friend from Boston was visiting Chicago. It was after we stopped at a cafe for coffee. I must have underestimated the effect that coffee would have on me because on the train halfway to my apartment, an urge to pee began to karate chop my bladder. By the time we got off the train, I basically said to my friend, “KEEP TALKING AND WALK FAST, OR I’LL PEE EVERYWHERE.” Thankfully, we got to my apartment just in time and I ran into the bathroom. Success! After this experience, my friend and I were dry, not smelly, unembarrassed, well-exercised, and learned some new things about each other during that conversation.

I love coffee. After I drank a lot of it, in that moment my life purpose became clear: I had to pee.

The Ramification Of Urination

So if you have an urge to pee, instead of peeing all over, go to the bathroom and do so IN THE TOILET. You’ll be relieved and say to yourself, “Peeing is such sweet sorrow that I shall pee till it be morrow.” You’ll be dry, and so will your friends and neighbors. And then they will say to themselves, “I have such a good friend/neighbor who pees in the toilet, I’m inspired to become good friend/neighbor and pee in the toilet myself!”

But do yourself a favor: If you’re going to get out of bed in the middle of the night and walk to the bathroom, at least have the decency to actually feel the need to urinate. If you walk to the bathroom and don’t really want to pee, you’re just wasting your time and making your sleepy downstairs neighbor, who has to listen to your creaking floorboards, angry. Even if your sleepy downstairs neighbors are just some mice, roly-poly bugs, and centipedes. Some neighbors terrify people just by letting themselves be seen!

If you didn’t have an urge to pee, you’ll suddenly find yourself in the bathroom, pondering, “Dammit, why did I even come in here?!” And your sleepy neighbor will respond with, “Dammit, you’re inspiring me to become the opposite of a good neighbor right now!” So instead, you’ve pissed off your neighbors and pissed off yourself. A pissing has happened, but not the useful kind. Now, every time your neighbor will see you, he’ll think, “Here comes the opposite of a good neighbor, I’ll pee on him if he talks to me.”

So, walk on purpose and pee on purpose, but don’t walk where you pee on purpose. Because ew.


And I’m sure there’s probably other steps I could keep remembering and adding to my 3 Easy Steps to Total Mind Control illustrarticle, (i.e. Giving A Shit) but:

Art is never finished, only abandoned. – Leonardo da Vinci

So there.

Do you feel an urge share a time when a certain call of nature had become very useful to yourself and/or others? If so, feel free to relieve yourself in a tweet.