Why Dogs Bark At Night


CHICAGO — Local dog provides a thorough explanation on the alleged barking that has been happening throughout the neighborhoods worldwide:


Since I’m fluent in Dog, a translated transcription:

“We bark at night because we’re trying to get discovered. When it’s night time, it gets very dark and too hard to see, let alone land a record deal. Who can think about fame at a time like that? We make noises so that someone hears and responds. That response is the only way I can know for sure that I still exist and haven’t disappeared into the oblivion with the rest of the world when the sun set.”

“Yes, I can see the moon just fine, thank you. That’s how I know that I should go into the light.”

Upon further investigation, I have also discovered why dogs are loving, loyal, and just fucking gallop around a park as soon as the leash comes off to sniff absolutely everything. Especially butts.  Because until the moment that the sun sets, dogs are literally living each day like it’s their last.

How To Get Frigid Weather To Warm Up

Bitter Cold Illustration
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The weather has been giving us the cold shoulder, again.

Weather is a pretty big deal. Not only is it popular among small-talk enthusiasts. There’s even a whole TV channel and website dedicated to the weather. It seems to be the most-watched reality star.

When weather throws a fit, the paparazzi, also known as storm-chasers, hunt down for photos of its outbursts. Weather sure knows how to take us for a spin and some of us are getting sick of it.

But perhaps this Bipolar Vortex Express of a climate is our fault.

Maybe we’ve put weather in unfair situations time and again by comparing it to other weather. Like, that gorgeous Southern California’s weather… Oops, we just did it again, didn’t we?

We can fix this! It’s never too late to show our weather some love. We can do this by telling everyone that our weather is really nice and truly is the fairest of them all.

It may not happen overnight, but if we keep saying how beautiful our weather is, over time, it has to eventually warm up to us. So by summertime, it might get pretty hot and steamy, if you know what we mean, WINK-WINK, NUDGE-NUDGE.

4 Awesome Reasons Why Thinking INSIDE The Box Gets You Ahead

We can’t attempt to think outside the box if there is no box of which to think outside, in the first place. Now that everyone has been thinking OUTSIDE the box so much, we’re beginning to forget why thinking INSIDE the box was ever important.

These are some things that wouldn’t be as great without being inside boxes:


Loca Motion

Beep beep! Do the loca motion!

That’s right, you are actually a person-shaped box. If you tried to think outside of yourself, literally, you wouldn’t survive long enough to do it! Your thoughts and the very existence of your experience in the world are all coming from your brain.

Your brain is packaged deeply within muscle, tissue, blood vessels, bone, and skin. Without all those things cushioning and protecting your brainsicle, A.K.A. you – both the person shaped box or the brain – would not be alive right now.

Which means your body, this box, is a life or death situation. Which means you’re pretty much stuck inside a box FOREVER! Which means that you are your own mobile home and can head to Florida anytime!


Bag Of Chocolates

“My momma always said, ‘Life was like a bag of chocolates: you can see exactly what you’re… gonna.. get…?’ Yeah, that sounds about right.”

There’s a reason why Forrest Gump was holding chocolates in a box, instead of a bag. Clearly, a bag would completely change the dynamic of the scene. In fact, I should probably just put a bag over my head for even implying such a thing.


Fool's Gold

“Shiver me timbers! What be this crap? Fool’s gold?”

When giving a gift, it’s pretty standard practice to put it inside a box first. Then you get all thoughtful about what the outside of the box should look like. The outside of the box builds mystery and excitement about what’s inside.

Wrap the box with pretty, sparkly wrapping paper. Plop a colorful, fluffy bow on top. Add a tag that specifies this present is “To: My Favorite Person-Shaped Brainsicle Box In The Whole World”.

Several years ago, I drew portraits of my friends for their Christmas gifts. Then, I gave the gift to one of them, but something was wrong. When she unwrapped her gift, she found a portrait of our other friend inside. I guess after I had wrapped the portraits, I forgot which was which and accidentally placed the wrong name tags on each gift. Oops, how thoughtful of me.


Pick Of The Litter

A cat in his throne. Litterally.

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Cat are obsessed with boxes. It’s physically impossible for a cat to stay outside a box. Put an open, empty box in the middle of the room, and your cat will come and sit in it.

Even if you don’t have a cat, just blink your eyes and I guarantee: a cat will suddenly appear inside that box. A cat can truly appreciate a box, it’s science!

This concludes why you’re actually getting ahead by thinking inside the box. By thinking INSIDE the box you are “thinking outside the box”.