How Global Warming Was Caused By Plastic Surgery


Over the years, humans have become slightly more attractive thanks to the invention of plastic surgery. But now, because everyone on earth has become so smokin’ hot, we have caused global warming.

A few trillion years ago, the earth used to be a giant ocean, and we humans were all slimy, prehistoric fish things. We spent our days just squirming around and slurping up whatever floated into our gaping jowls.

By the time plastic surgery came around, everyone wanted in on it. Without a new uni-brow, a certain caveman wouldn’t have had enough confidence to share his “wheel” invention. Even pirates had some work done to continue to pirate, with gold teeth, hook hands, and peg legs.

But today, we’re evolving back to our original fishy form. By the time the ice caps melt, we’ll have our giant ocean back. So, chill out enjoy the tide.

If you can’t chill out because of the global warming part – cool off in front of the wind turbines that we’ve surgically implanted into the ground. But we you don’t see any wind turbines around, maybe it’s time to surgically implant ourselves some damn gills.

Cicada Spends Entire Year Screaming After Seeing Own Reflection


TREE—A cicada has been screaming for an entire year after catching a glimpse of his own reflection when he flew by a closed window.

“How am I ever going to find a girlfriend when I look like this?!” His pleading could be heard within a diameter of at least 5 city blocks.

Well, he sure isn’t getting laid any time soon with THAT kind of attitude. Perhaps the saddest part is that he spent 17 years underground getting ready for a date.

I guess this is what happens when you dress yourself in the dark.

Earth Moving Too Fast, Lunch Ruined


OUTER SPACE — Man, it was really windy the other day in Chicago. Earth must have been spinning around the sun extra fast. I had to take a trip to outer space to see what exactly was the problem and captured this image.

Earth must have been moving, like, AT LEAST 200 miles per hour. In Illinois, 85 mph and above is reckless driving. Someone needs to slow down the wind turbines.

But some people get used to the wind, and some people don’t even get phased. They just stick their faces out the window and take wind head-on — applied directly to their foreheads.

Still, there’s always that one person who’s like, “Waiter, my soup is cold.”

Well, duh! What did you expect?! What type of nut job orders hot soup while we’re all on a top of a wad of dirt, recklessly darting around a giant ball of fire?