Cicada Spends Entire Year Screaming After Seeing Own Reflection


TREE—A cicada has been screaming for an entire year after catching a glimpse of his own reflection when he flew by a closed window.

“How am I ever going to find a girlfriend when I look like this?!” His pleading could be heard within a diameter of at least 5 city blocks.

Well, he sure isn’t getting laid any time soon with THAT kind of attitude. Perhaps the saddest part is that he spent 17 years underground getting ready for a date.

I guess this is what happens when you dress yourself in the dark.

Earth Moving Too Fast, Lunch Ruined


OUTER SPACE — Man, it was really windy the other day in Chicago. Earth must have been spinning around the sun extra fast. I had to take a trip to outer space to see what exactly was the problem and captured this image.

Earth must have been moving, like, AT LEAST 200 miles per hour. In Illinois, 85 mph and above is reckless driving. Someone needs to slow down the wind turbines.

But some people get used to the wind, and some people don’t even get phased. They just stick their faces out the window and take wind head-on — applied directly to their foreheads.

Still, there’s always that one person who’s like, “Waiter, my soup is cold.”

Well, duh! What did you expect?! What type of nut job orders hot soup while we’re all on a top of a wad of dirt, recklessly darting around a giant ball of fire?


Man Suspected Of Attempted Botany


KIEV, Ukraine — A man is being investigated as a suspect for attempted botany after he was pulled over in traffic for a broken tail light. An open packet of sunflower seeds was found in his car. He insists that he was only going to look at them, and maybe eat them, not plant them.

Although, plants and trees are cut down to make room to build potential profit-making buildings and parking lots, some sprouts are still slipping through the cracks. For decades, people have been terrorized with dandelions. But law enforcers become concerned that more sophisticated botanists could be involved when there are sunflowers, tulips or ginkgo trees around.

Authorized community gardens have been set up to control over-forestation, while these graffiti florists continue to deface public parks and private weddings with barrages of floral arrangements.

Convicted botanists could face up to 85 years in a perennial institution.