What The Statue Of Liberty Really Thinks Of America

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LIBERTY ISLAND—Most people know that the Statue of Liberty has been trying to hail a cab and get off the island since she immigrated to America decades ago, but now you’ll get to know this French girl up close and personal in this exclusive interview.

Tanya Pshenychny: Why do you think it’s taken so long for a cab to stop for you?
Statue Of Liberty: It’s probably because I’m green. They have no idea what I’m made of. These cabbies look at me and keep driving. But then at the end of their shifts, they go drinking at bars and then steal the shiny copper Moscow mule mugs.

TP: Despite the cabbies, most people see you as a symbol of freedom. What do you think of that?
SOL: It’s kind of weird to me that people think that but okay, I guess. I don’t really feel free, just like everyone: dreaming about freedom with my head in the clouds but keep my feet on the ground because I am, how you say…stuck on an island.

TP: Since you’ve been stuck on an island, what’s the one thing you’ve brought with you?
SOL: I have this amazing, one-page book right here that I’ve been reading over and over, front-to-front. The only thing that’s been keeping me sane. If I could give it a review, I’d give it 50 stars–one for every state of denial that it’s an amazing book! The book JULY IV MDCCLXXVI is a psychological thriller, you’d love it.

TP: You seem like someone who doesn’t like to follow rules so I’m gonna guess your favorite type of music is punk rock, right?
SOL: Why? Just because of the spikes? It’s just functional fashion, keeps pigeons out of my face. Ok yeah, punk rock.

TP: Since pigeons aren’t in the way of your perspective, tell us what you really think of America?
SOL: It’s been a weird show. America is a weird band but it’s trying, I guess? I tried to help. I’ve even held up a lighter and yelled out requests but maybe they keep hearing me wrong? I’ve requested the popular punk rock song “Free Bird” but instead they played something totally shitty, like they must’ve heard me say something like “reverse”. And then just earlier I yelled, “Play some Petty” and now I regret it because I’m afraid of what they think they heard. Maybe it’s my accent.

TP: Now, let’s talk about what’s really important: Will you follow me on twitter?
SOL: …

TP: Liberty, will you follow me on twitter?
SOL: What? Oh, sorry. I’m busy reading this book again, byyeeeee.

Alien Spaceships Land on Earth, Humans Use Them As Stress-Relieving Toys

Alien Spaceships

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Minimalist Hipster Celebrates Independence Day Without Fireworks by Making Shadow Puppets


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A local minimalist hipster celebrated Fourth of July without fireworks this year. Instead, Gaston Granville Johnston opted for making gestures with hands, which cast shadows of American symbols against the minimalist painting in the living-kitchen-bath room at his 400-square-foot family home. The entire nine-foot wide canvas of the painting happened to be painted completely white as it was being lit up by the neighbor’s colorful firework show from the window.

Johnston rejected the idea of buying a bunch of stuff just for the holiday and having to use fireworks to create memories and entertain his two teenage sons and their friends at the annual get-together. He pointed out that this alternative is much better and safer while ignoring his kids’ pleas to buy real fireworks or else they’ll get beat up at school tomorrow.