Science


I Hate Waiting In Limes

Limes Are Lame illustration
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GROCERY STORE—A groundbreaking new study suggests that people in a grocery store are more likely to spend their time shopping than waiting in limes.

The study happened by accident when I was grocery shopping and picked up one lime from the bottom of the lime pile. All of the sudden, the rest of the limes rolled off the stand to the ground. It was then that I became the only person in the store waiting in the limes for someone to come help me.

Although limes contain less Vitamin C than lemons, even when ingested correctly, limes are still 58% more painful to sit on than any other citrus I’ve ever knocked over.


Testing The New MacBook: It’s Pretty Fly

MacBook In Flight illustration
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I got my hands on the brand new MacBook, designed by Apple, before anyone else, thanks to my secret connections via IllustrArticles.

At just 13.1mm thickness and 2 lbs weight, the MacBook is the thinnest and lightest laptop ever, and beyond portable. Its Intel Core M 1.3 GHz processor uses far less power than other laptops, because it runs partially on wind power. This machine wasn’t designed to run heavy applications. This machine was designed to fly.

The gold and silver MacBooks are made entirely of gold and silver metals, so they’re worth much more in resale value than other laptops. But if you’re going to judge a MacBook by its color, choose space grey. I did! The space grey MacBook is made of space metal, which is the same stuff that space shuttles are made of.

To prepare your MacBook for flight, all you do is attach the iString adapter (sold separately) into the only USB-C port. This adapter will allow you to attach almost any type of string or ribbon to the MacBook. Then, hold on to the string and run around a wide open area, like a golf course, and watch it take off. Works even better if it’s windy!

The gorgeous 12-inch Retina screen of the new MacBook is designed to display your favorite picture in the highest quality while in flight. Right now, mine is set a photo of Harrison Ford for good luck, in case the MacBook crashes.


How Global Warming Was Caused By Plastic Surgery


PirateSurgery

Over the years, humans have become slightly more attractive thanks to the invention of plastic surgery. But now, because everyone on earth has become so smokin’ hot, we have caused global warming.

A few trillion years ago, the earth used to be a giant ocean, and we humans were all slimy, prehistoric fish things. We spent our days just squirming around and slurping up whatever floated into our gaping jowls.

By the time plastic surgery came around, everyone wanted in on it. Without a new uni-brow, a certain caveman wouldn’t have had enough confidence to share his “wheel” invention. Even pirates had some work done to continue to pirate, with gold teeth, hook hands, and peg legs.

But today, we’re evolving back to our original fishy form. By the time the ice caps melt, we’ll have our giant ocean back. So, chill out enjoy the tide.

If you can’t chill out because of the global warming part – cool off in front of the wind turbines that we’ve surgically implanted into the ground. But we you don’t see any wind turbines around, maybe it’s time to surgically implant ourselves some damn gills.