Food


How To Appreciate Wine (Like A Classy Grownup)

How To Appreciate Wine

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Wine is an acquired taste. A few years ago, I didn’t drink wine. I even kind of hated it. Now, I love it. Have no fear, I will gladly guide you through the steps of how to appreciate and acquire a taste for wine. But only if you’re 21 or older – an actual grownup.

Step 1: Have An Encouraging & Discouraging Parent

When your mother loves wine and encourages you to take a swig of it every time she has a glass, you are more likely to follow in her path of winelovedom. Plus, she already chose the wine label for you – Free wine!

When your mother is also encouraging you to follow her footsteps further, like her own idea of getting a “grownup job” and having “kids”, but you’re just not that into those ideas, it might feel discouraging to talk to her about things that are actually your life.

That’s a good thing, because it will give you more reason to want to drink something to numb the pain every time you talk to her. And with wine, you and your mom might finally have something in common.

Step 2: Move to Chicago

Chicago only has about 30 actual warm days per year, but it’s all worth it because there’s a liquor store at every corner. The wine selection at the store near your new apartment will more than make up for the fucked up weather.

When the “free heat” that was advertised isn’t running in your new apartment building, it gets chilly. But space heaters are too dangerous and trying to warm your hands in cold water all day can result in stalled productivity. Since you’re not paying for heat anyway, you can spend that extra cash to stock up on wine. You’ll be winning at wining, instead of whining about the weather.

Step 3: Care About Your Health, Kind Of

But why have wine, as opposed to other alcohol, when you move to Chicago? Because you can only have so many apple martinis before all that sugar and high fructose corn syrup starts to clog up your face and arteries. Sugar can cause zits and heart disease (also, diabeetus), but that shouldn’t keep you away from alcohol.

Just do a Google search for healthier alcohol and it will lead you to wine. At some point, you’ll stumble upon a wine article that you’ll just skim through until you see something that says “Why It’s Good for You,” and only read half of it before downing an entire bottle.

Step 4: Be A Classy Artist or Just Enjoy Art, Classily

When art galleries hold a reception for an art show, there’s 99% chance that they will serve wine. If there’s no wine, that’s okay, because you’ll be thinking drinking ahead and have a flask of wine in your pocket.

Classy art visitors attend the reception, mingle, and talk about classy art stuff. When you’re a classy artist or visitor, and experience some slight and/or soul-crushing anxiety during the reception, it simply means that you’re not drinking enough wine.

When you’re a classy art visitor, and some and/or all of the art at the show doesn’t make any sense to you, that’s not the art’s fault. It’s your own fault for not drinking enough wine.

Congratulations! You have just completed the wine appreciation course and you now appreciate wine. To celebrate, have some wine!


I Hate Waiting In Limes

Limes Are Lame illustration
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GROCERY STORE—A groundbreaking new study suggests that people in a grocery store are more likely to spend their time shopping than waiting in limes.

The study happened by accident when I was grocery shopping and picked up one lime from the bottom of the lime pile. All of the sudden, the rest of the limes rolled off the stand to the ground. It was then that I became the only person in the store waiting in the limes for someone to come help me.

Although limes contain less Vitamin C than lemons, even when ingested correctly, limes are still 58% more painful to sit on than any other citrus I’ve ever knocked over.


Traffic Jam Caused By A Cake And Her Cups

Cakewalk

SAN FRANCISCO — A family of cakes caused traffic to screech to a halt as they were crossing the street, officials said. The confections were not injured. However, at least 8 people had to be rushed to a cafe to be treated for severe salivation.

The cakewalk happened just a few minutes after a nearby pastry shop filed a police report for a missing birthday cake and a dozen cupcakes. The shop regularly rescues cakes from bakeries, also known as cuppy mills, and keeps them in a safe environment until they are adopted.

But this battered cake family couldn’t wait for adoption and escaped to search for a new home. Upon spotting the cakes, police officers immediately adopted them.