Learn Your Life Purpose by Drinking Coffee

Call Of Nature

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Okay. So. Don’t trip but I totally forgot to add another step to last week’s illustrarticle, 3 Easy Steps to Total Mind Control. This step really deserves an illustrarticle all on its own because it isn’t much of a step while it’s the most important of all steps. Yes, even more important than breathing. This is like going from point A to point P.

To Pee Or Not To Pee?

P is for Purpose. Doing something on purpose is when you’re doing something that’s useful to yourself and others. If you’re don’t know your purpose, you will figure it out. It can be as natural as peeing. Pee on purpose! You’re probably already doing it. (What, right this minute? Ew.)

The most intense urge of needing to pee happened to me about a month ago, while a friend from Boston was visiting Chicago. It was after we stopped at a cafe for coffee. I must have underestimated the effect that coffee would have on me because on the train halfway to my apartment, an urge to pee began to karate chop my bladder. By the time we got off the train, I basically said to my friend, “KEEP TALKING AND WALK FAST, OR I’LL PEE EVERYWHERE.” Thankfully, we got to my apartment just in time and I ran into the bathroom. Success! After this experience, my friend and I were dry, not smelly, unembarrassed, well-exercised, and learned some new things about each other during that conversation.

I love coffee. After I drank a lot of it, in that moment my life purpose became clear: I had to pee.

The Ramification Of Urination

So if you have an urge to pee, instead of peeing all over, go to the bathroom and do so IN THE TOILET. You’ll be relieved and say to yourself, “Peeing is such sweet sorrow that I shall pee till it be morrow.” You’ll be dry, and so will your friends and neighbors. And then they will say to themselves, “I have such a good friend/neighbor who pees in the toilet, I’m inspired to become good friend/neighbor and pee in the toilet myself!”

But do yourself a favor: If you’re going to get out of bed in the middle of the night and walk to the bathroom, at least have the decency to actually feel the need to urinate. If you walk to the bathroom and don’t really want to pee, you’re just wasting your time and making your sleepy downstairs neighbor, who has to listen to your creaking floorboards, angry. Even if your sleepy downstairs neighbors are just some mice, roly-poly bugs, and centipedes. Some neighbors terrify people just by letting themselves be seen!

If you didn’t have an urge to pee, you’ll suddenly find yourself in the bathroom, pondering, “Dammit, why did I even come in here?!” And your sleepy neighbor will respond with, “Dammit, you’re inspiring me to become the opposite of a good neighbor right now!” So instead, you’ve pissed off your neighbors and pissed off yourself. A pissing has happened, but not the useful kind. Now, every time your neighbor will see you, he’ll think, “Here comes the opposite of a good neighbor, I’ll pee on him if he talks to me.”

So, walk on purpose and pee on purpose, but don’t walk where you pee on purpose. Because ew.


And I’m sure there’s probably other steps I could keep remembering and adding to my 3 Easy Steps to Total Mind Control illustrarticle, (i.e. Giving A Shit) but:

Art is never finished, only abandoned. – Leonardo da Vinci

So there.

Do you feel an urge share a time when a certain call of nature had become very useful to yourself and/or others? If so, feel free to relieve yourself in a tweet.

How To Warm Your Hands in Cold Water

Warm Hands, Cold Water

Ever feel like you’re roughing out in the wild, right there in your own apartment?

No heat? No hot water? No problem!

Next time you’re washing your hands in the cold water, just rub your hands together really fast to create a fire.

You won’t get burned because the pouring water will immediately put out any sparks or flames, and as a result, your hands will warm up from the steam that’s happening.

However, it is dangerous to rub your hands together without running water over them at the same time. Without the water to put out the flames, you could set your hands on fire. That wouldn’t be good. Not good, at all.

If you live in Chicago or areas nearby, (or Colorado!) you know that the weather has really been running hot and cold this past April. This, however, doesn’t stop most landlords from shutting off the heat to their apartment buildings. It’s Spring, after all!

To make things worse, if there’s work being done to your apartment building, the hot water could be turned off during one of those cold days, too. That’s exactly what happened to me one day, a few weeks ago. I couldn’t simply wash my hands without feeling like I’m about to freeze to death! Thankfully, my fond memories of camping and roughing it in the past are well ingrained, and inspired me to come up with this solution right there on-the-spot.

Another way to fix this chilling problem could be by setting up a small campfire in the middle of your living space. Just gather all those old clothes, that you’ve been putting off donating to your local trash bin, in a nice pile on the floor. Or you can get some sticks and leaves from a nearby park. Light them on fire and, ahhh feel the wonderful warmth. Much better! For extra fun, roast some marshmallows and make S’mores.

Your landlord and neighbors might smell the smoke or the S’mores, so don’t be surprised if you hear knocks on your door from them. They’re probably cold just like you and would like to join you.

A few firemen might kick your door in, too. But don’t worry, bro. They’re just really excited about s’mores. Firemen spend a long time being bored while sitting around the fire station and waiting for boring fire calls, And then they have to be all like, “Ugh. I have go to save lives now. Again.” Welcome in those weary souls so they can enjoy sharing s’mores and stories by the campfire with you. S’more, s’merrier!