Science


Everything’s On Fire So Remaining Months Of This Year Will End With “Ember”

Octember
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The rest of the months of the year will end with “ember” because everything is on fire. In fact, most of 2017 has been a dumpster fire but the month-naming person, whose name I forgot to write down, had the strength to keep naming each month something interesting, such as “‘May’ this month be okay, please?” and until September, which combines the words “septic” and “ember”.

Which “ember” month will be your favorite? Mine will be Octember, of course!


The Real Reason Why Unicorns Went Extinct

This Is Not A Unicorn illustration

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WORLDWIDE—Experts confirmed Monday that unicorns became extinct years ago because no one believed in them. If only they had believed in themselves more.

Throughout history, unicorns have been pigeonholed as mystical creatures and definitely not real. The same experts came to the scientific conclusion that they could have totally survived if only people believed in them. I mean, it’s like a horse, which is believable. And a horn, also believable. But, apparently, not both of these things existing as one creature at the same time.

Unfortunately, the last unicorn documented in existence was in 1982. Even then, people didn’t believe in them enough. No one held walking marathons, 5K runs, or protests to raise money and awareness for unicorns.

Today, many years since their extinction, unicorns are more popular than ever. There are unicorn movies, toys, video games, and everything unicorn-imaginable. If unicorns knew that people started to believe in them now that they’re gone, they’d be so pissed at us.


I Spilled My Coffee

I Spilled My Coffee

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A cup of coffee was wastefully splattered all over the sidewalk. I noticed it while walking to my train to go home and immediately felt bad for the person who must have dropped their hot coffee on the ground instead of getting to drop it in the lap of someone who actually deserved it, bigly.

To make up for that, I had to get a coffee to smash of my own. Studies show that if you see a splattered coffee cup and don’t suddenly feel the irresistible urge to go get a coffee to smash, too, you’re probably a psychopath.

So, naturally, I went to the nearest coffee shop, got a coffee, and came back to this same spot. I smashed my coffee on the sidewalk. I compared it to the original. But it wasn’t the same. My splatter was nowhere near as long. And to my terror, my coffee didn’t reach anyone’s lap, either. I had to try again.

I got another coffee, came back to my spot, lifted it high above my head, and grunted like a person who hates coffee as I smashed it into the ground. Better? No. It wasn’t. This splatter had no shape or form–just looked like a disappointing, giant caffeine obliteration. The only good part about it was that there was no one around me to see my failure of not spilling the coffee on a deserving party’s lap. There must have been a secret to this that I still haven’t mastered yet. So, I got another coffee and came back.

I raised this coffee to my eye-level, concentrated on the cup for a moment, yelled violently like person who loves coffee but hasn’t had their daily fix yet, pinky up, took a sip, and satisfyingly walked to my train where I sat down, accidentally bumped into the passenger next to me, and spilled my hot coffee on my lap.