Staples Employee Denies Devouring Office Depot, OfficeMax, And A Little Dog, Too

Theodore Rex, a 7,298 year-old Staples employee, has been convicted of swallowing both of Staples competitor store chains, Office Depot and OfficeMax.

And just the day before being charged for that, Rex ate a dog that was tied to a pole by a 7-Eleven in the morning, tore apart a co-worker from limb-to-limb in the afternoon, and later swallowed a waiter whole in the evening at Olive Garden.

Rex has been charged for disorderly conduct for this raging behavior and sentenced to eight anger management classes.

Rex pleaded not guilty on all accounts. He said that the charges make no sense because he hasn’t harmed anyone at all, and that it was just a regular day.

“There was no dog at 7-Eleven, just a delicious doughnut! And my co-worker Simon wasn’t even at work yesterday so I had to eat my turkey sandwich at lunch alone. TURKEY SANDWICH. Yeah, I went to Olive Garden for dinner but no one even came to the table to take my order so I just ate all the free bread sticks and left.”

“And look, Office Depot and OfficeMax are fine!” he said, as he pointed to a Home Depot and a T.J. Maxx.

During his first anger management class, Rex complained that he couldn’t see the writing on the chalkboard, stating, “If only my hands could reach my face, I’d wear my damn glasses!”