I Hate Waiting In Limes

Limes Are Lame illustration

GROCERY STORE—A groundbreaking new study suggests that people in a grocery store are more likely to spend their time shopping than waiting in limes.

The study happened by accident when I was grocery shopping and picked up one lime from the bottom of the lime pile. All of the sudden, the rest of the limes rolled off the stand to the ground. It was then that I became the only person in the store waiting in the limes for someone to come help me.

Although limes contain less Vitamin C than lemons, even when ingested correctly, limes are still 58% more painful to sit on than any other citrus I’ve ever knocked over.


Reader Judged For Reading Article

Huemans

INTERNET—A reader was mercilessly judged by at least six people today, for reading this exact news article. Those six people asked to remain anonymous because they “didn’t want to be associated with the reader’s name”. And, because they didn’t want anyone to judge them for judging the reader or be judged by that reader.

The reader also asked to remain anonymous because even the reader didn’t want to be associated with the reader’s own name for the possibility of being judged.

This very article was judged as important to everyone in question, judging by the time and energy they spent judging it. The article impacted them so much, that no one wanted to share it’s importance with anyone else. They all decided that no one else should know the important stuff they now know.


Staples Employee Denies Devouring Office Depot, OfficeMax, And A Little Dog, Too

Theodore Rex, a 7,298 year-old Staples employee, has been convicted of swallowing both of Staples competitor store chains, Office Depot and OfficeMax.

And just the day before being charged for that, Rex ate a dog that was tied to a pole by a 7-Eleven in the morning, tore apart a co-worker from limb-to-limb in the afternoon, and later swallowed a waiter whole in the evening at Olive Garden.

Rex has been charged for disorderly conduct for this raging behavior and sentenced to eight anger management classes.

Rex pleaded not guilty on all accounts. He said that the charges make no sense because he hasn’t harmed anyone at all, and that it was just a regular day.

“There was no dog at 7-Eleven, just a delicious doughnut! And my co-worker Simon wasn’t even at work yesterday so I had to eat my turkey sandwich at lunch alone. TURKEY SANDWICH. Yeah, I went to Olive Garden for dinner but no one even came to the table to take my order so I just ate all the free bread sticks and left.”

“And look, Office Depot and OfficeMax are fine!” he said, as he pointed to a Home Depot and a T.J. Maxx.

During his first anger management class, Rex complained that he couldn’t see the writing on the chalkboard, stating, “If only my hands could reach my face, I’d wear my damn glasses!”