Freeloading, Jerk Fish Mocks Generous, Nice Fisherman

The One That Got Away - fish fishing handcuffs

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LAKE MICHIGAN—Rupert Grump, 69, reported that one particular fish kept swimming around but didn’t take a single bite of the food that was being offered. Instead, the slimy creature seemed to be mocking him. “How rude,” said Grump, as the Bluefish lifted her tail out of the water and bent it into a shape of a middle finger. Grump pleaded, “I’m trying to make Lake Michigan great again!”

“Sadly, I’ve seen this happen before. It’s just like that one time last Friday when some dope kept trying to give me caviar even though I definitely said that I don’t want caviar,” said the unthankful fish.

Upon being asked about what the hell this fish actually wants, the cheeky beggar reported that she wants a lot of stuff, including aquatic healthcare, affordable schools of fish, and amnesty for undocumented immigrant bluefishes.

“I’m doing these freeloaders a favor,” the helpful fisherman continued while posting selfies on Instagram and waiting very patiently for bites on the fishing line. “These floppy idiots deserve to be behind a tall glass wall of an aquarium. Could at least say thank you for the nourishment I’m giving out–it’s #1 in New York, Florida.”

At press time, a different fish–a passer-by Suckermouth Catfish, swam by and swallowed Grump’s substance without question. Grump promptly pulled on the line and then posted another selfie to congratulate himself for catching another sucker.


How To Appreciate Wine (Like A Classy Grownup)

How To Appreciate Wine

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Wine is an acquired taste. A few years ago, I didn’t drink wine. I even kind of hated it. Now, I love it. Have no fear, I will gladly guide you through the steps of how to appreciate and acquire a taste for wine. But only if you’re 21 or older – an actual grownup.

Step 1: Have An Encouraging & Discouraging Parent

When your mother loves wine and encourages you to take a swig of it every time she has a glass, you are more likely to follow in her path of winelovedom. Plus, she already chose the wine label for you – Free wine!

When your mother is also encouraging you to follow her footsteps further, like her own idea of getting a “grownup job” and having “kids”, but you’re just not that into those ideas, it might feel discouraging to talk to her about things that are actually your life.

That’s a good thing, because it will give you more reason to want to drink something to numb the pain every time you talk to her. And with wine, you and your mom might finally have something in common.

Step 2: Move to Chicago

Chicago only has about 30 actual warm days per year, but it’s all worth it because there’s a liquor store at every corner. The wine selection at the store near your new apartment will more than make up for the fucked up weather.

When the “free heat” that was advertised isn’t running in your new apartment building, it gets chilly. But space heaters are too dangerous and trying to warm your hands in cold water all day can result in stalled productivity. Since you’re not paying for heat anyway, you can spend that extra cash to stock up on wine. You’ll be winning at wining, instead of whining about the weather.

Step 3: Care About Your Health, Kind Of

But why have wine, as opposed to other alcohol, when you move to Chicago? Because you can only have so many apple martinis before all that sugar and high fructose corn syrup starts to clog up your face and arteries. Sugar can cause zits and heart disease (also, diabeetus), but that shouldn’t keep you away from alcohol.

Just do a Google search for healthier alcohol and it will lead you to wine. At some point, you’ll stumble upon a wine article that you’ll just skim through until you see something that says “Why It’s Good for You,” and only read half of it before downing an entire bottle.

Step 4: Be A Classy Artist or Just Enjoy Art, Classily

When art galleries hold a reception for an art show, there’s 99% chance that they will serve wine. If there’s no wine, that’s okay, because you’ll be thinking drinking ahead and have a flask of wine in your pocket.

Classy art visitors attend the reception, mingle, and talk about classy art stuff. When you’re a classy artist or visitor, and experience some slight and/or soul-crushing anxiety during the reception, it simply means that you’re not drinking enough wine.

When you’re a classy art visitor, and some and/or all of the art at the show doesn’t make any sense to you, that’s not the art’s fault. It’s your own fault for not drinking enough wine.

Congratulations! You have just completed the wine appreciation course and you now appreciate wine. To celebrate, have some wine!


I Hate Waiting In Limes

Limes Are Lame illustration
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GROCERY STORE—A groundbreaking new study suggests that people in a grocery store are more likely to spend their time shopping than waiting in limes.

The study happened by accident when I was grocery shopping and picked up one lime from the bottom of the lime pile. All of the sudden, the rest of the limes rolled off the stand to the ground. It was then that I became the only person in the store waiting in the limes for someone to come help me.

Although limes contain less Vitamin C than lemons, even when ingested correctly, limes are still 58% more painful to sit on than any other citrus I’ve ever knocked over.