4 Awesome Reasons Why Thinking INSIDE The Box Gets You Ahead

We can’t attempt to think outside the box if there is no box of which to think outside, in the first place. Now that everyone has been thinking OUTSIDE the box so much, we’re beginning to forget why thinking INSIDE the box was ever important.

These are some things that wouldn’t be as great without being inside boxes:


Loca Motion

Beep beep! Do the loca motion!

That’s right, you are actually a person-shaped box. If you tried to think outside of yourself, literally, you wouldn’t survive long enough to do it! Your thoughts and the very existence of your experience in the world are all coming from your brain.

Your brain is packaged deeply within muscle, tissue, blood vessels, bone, and skin. Without all those things cushioning and protecting your brainsicle, A.K.A. you – both the person shaped box or the brain – would not be alive right now.

Which means your body, this box, is a life or death situation. Which means you’re pretty much stuck inside a box FOREVER! Which means that you are your own mobile home and can head to Florida anytime!


Bag Of Chocolates

“My momma always said, ‘Life was like a bag of chocolates: you can see exactly what you’re… gonna.. get…?’ Yeah, that sounds about right.”

There’s a reason why Forrest Gump was holding chocolates in a box, instead of a bag. Clearly, a bag would completely change the dynamic of the scene. In fact, I should probably just put a bag over my head for even implying such a thing.


Fool's Gold

“Shiver me timbers! What be this crap? Fool’s gold?”

When giving a gift, it’s pretty standard practice to put it inside a box first. Then you get all thoughtful about what the outside of the box should look like. The outside of the box builds mystery and excitement about what’s inside.

Wrap the box with pretty, sparkly wrapping paper. Plop a colorful, fluffy bow on top. Add a tag that specifies this present is “To: My Favorite Person-Shaped Brainsicle Box In The Whole World”.

Several years ago, I drew portraits of my friends for their Christmas gifts. Then, I gave the gift to one of them, but something was wrong. When she unwrapped her gift, she found a portrait of our other friend inside. I guess after I had wrapped the portraits, I forgot which was which and accidentally placed the wrong name tags on each gift. Oops, how thoughtful of me.


Pick Of The Litter

A cat in his throne. Litterally.

Cat are obsessed with boxes. It’s physically impossible for a cat to stay outside a box. Put an open, empty box in the middle of the room, and your cat will come and sit in it.

Even if you don’t have a cat, just blink your eyes and I guarantee: a cat will suddenly appear inside that box. A cat can truly appreciate a box, it’s science!

This concludes why you’re actually getting ahead by thinking inside the box. By thinking INSIDE the box you are “thinking outside the box”.

Child Vs. Adult Swim

Adult Swim

As summer is in full season across the U.S., many adults and children flock to pools and beaches to enjoy the sun and cool off in the water. But for some, not everything is sunshine and butterfly strokes.

Many kids enjoy blissfully playing in the water. Seth Green, age 7, used to be one of those kids.

Green was at his local pool on a Sunday afternoon, swimming with his friends, when he got involved in an incident that would forever change his life. His story is best described in his own words:

“I was just diving underwater and swimming all the way down to try to touch the bottom. Then when I was about to swim back up, all the kids were gone. All I could see was just big legs with no heads appearing all around,” he recollected the terrifying moment. “They were like boring aliens because they weren’t playing Marco Polo or splashing around or anything. I’ve never been more scared in my entire life!”

What Green was referring to is called “adult swim”, a period during which kids are told to get out of the pool so that adults can swim undisturbed by the fun and splashing laughter of joy and innocence.

Some of the adults noticed some bubbles and commotion happening from underwater and grabbed and pulled little Seth out of the water. “He was just screaming and screaming when we pulled him out” said one woman, who asked to be anonymous. “He must not have heard the lifeguard announce that it is adult swim. We sat him down on the edge of the pool and tried to calm him down.”

Upon learning the meaning of adult swim, Seth Green responded, “Adult swim is stupid. I’m never growing up.”

Learn Your Life Purpose by Drinking Coffee

Call Of Nature

Okay. So. Don’t trip but I totally forgot to add another step to last week’s illustrarticle, 3 Easy Steps to Total Mind Control. This step really deserves an illustrarticle all on its own because it isn’t much of a step while it’s the most important of all steps. Yes, even more important than breathing. This is like going from point A to point P.

To Pee Or Not To Pee?

P is for Purpose. Doing something on purpose is when you’re doing something that’s useful to yourself and others. If you’re don’t know your purpose, you will figure it out. It can be as natural as peeing. Pee on purpose! You’re probably already doing it. (What, right this minute? Ew.)

The most intense urge of needing to pee happened to me about a month ago, while a friend from Boston was visiting Chicago. It was after we stopped at a cafe for coffee. I must have underestimated the effect that coffee would have on me because on the train halfway to my apartment, an urge to pee began to karate chop my bladder. By the time we got off the train, I basically said to my friend, “KEEP TALKING AND WALK FAST, OR I’LL PEE EVERYWHERE.” Thankfully, we got to my apartment just in time and I ran into the bathroom. Success! After this experience, my friend and I were dry, not smelly, unembarrassed, well-exercised, and learned some new things about each other during that conversation.

I love coffee. After I drank a lot of it, in that moment my life purpose became clear: I had to pee.

The Ramification Of Urination

So if you have an urge to pee, instead of peeing all over, go to the bathroom and do so IN THE TOILET. You’ll be relieved and say to yourself, “Peeing is such sweet sorrow that I shall pee till it be morrow.” You’ll be dry, and so will your friends and neighbors. And then they will say to themselves, “I have such a good friend/neighbor who pees in the toilet, I’m inspired to become good friend/neighbor and pee in the toilet myself!”

But do yourself a favor: If you’re going to get out of bed in the middle of the night and walk to the bathroom, at least have the decency to actually feel the need to urinate. If you walk to the bathroom and don’t really want to pee, you’re just wasting your time and making your sleepy downstairs neighbor, who has to listen to your creaking floorboards, angry. Even if your sleepy downstairs neighbors are just some mice, roly-poly bugs, and centipedes. Some neighbors terrify people just by letting themselves be seen!

If you didn’t have an urge to pee, you’ll suddenly find yourself in the bathroom, pondering, “Dammit, why did I even come in here?!” And your sleepy neighbor will respond with, “Dammit, you’re inspiring me to become the opposite of a good neighbor right now!” So instead, you’ve pissed off your neighbors and pissed off yourself. A pissing has happened, but not the useful kind. Now, every time your neighbor will see you, he’ll think, “Here comes the opposite of a good neighbor, I’ll pee on him if he talks to me.”

So, walk on purpose and pee on purpose, but don’t walk where you pee on purpose. Because ew.


And I’m sure there’s probably other steps I could keep remembering and adding to my 3 Easy Steps to Total Mind Control illustrarticle, (i.e. Giving A Shit) but:

Art is never finished, only abandoned. – Leonardo da Vinci

So there.

Do you feel an urge share a time when a certain call of nature had become very useful to yourself and/or others? If so, feel free to relieve yourself in a tweet.