Earth Moving Too Fast, Lunch Ruined


OUTER SPACE — Man, it was really windy the other day in Chicago. Earth must have been spinning around the sun extra fast. I had to take a trip to outer space to see what exactly was the problem and captured this image.

Earth must have been moving, like, AT LEAST 200 miles per hour. In Illinois, 85 mph and above is reckless driving. Someone needs to slow down the wind turbines.

But some people get used to the wind, and some people don’t even get phased. They just stick their faces out the window and take wind head-on — applied directly to their foreheads.

Still, there’s always that one person who’s like, “Waiter, my soup is cold.”

Well, duh! What did you expect?! What type of nut job orders hot soup while we’re all on a top of a wad of dirt, recklessly darting around a giant ball of fire?


Man Suspected Of Attempted Botany


KIEV, Ukraine — A man is being investigated as a suspect for attempted botany after he was pulled over in traffic for a broken tail light. An open packet of sunflower seeds was found in his car. He insists that he was only going to look at them, and maybe eat them, not plant them.

Although, plants and trees are cut down to make room to build potential profit-making buildings and parking lots, some sprouts are still slipping through the cracks. For decades, people have been terrorized with dandelions. But law enforcers become concerned that more sophisticated botanists could be involved when there are sunflowers, tulips or ginkgo trees around.

Authorized community gardens have been set up to control over-forestation, while these graffiti florists continue to deface public parks and private weddings with barrages of floral arrangements.

Convicted botanists could face up to 85 years in a perennial institution.


How To Save The Mysterious Life of the Endangered Sea Glass

Sea Glass

PACIFIC OCEAN — Due to the increased sea glass hunting and decreased littering, sea glass is becoming an endangered species. Sea glass activists and environmentalists urge beach-goers to bring more colorful glass bottles and break them at the beach.

Not much is known about the mating life of sea glass because it has never actually gotten to mate. Sea glass usually gets picked up by humans and put inside pockets or plastic bags, where it suffocates.

Thankfully, some sea glass found at beaches is saved and this species is given a second chance at life through an artificial insemination method called “recycling.” This saved sea glass is turned into new bottles to be used for liquor that would later be consumed by humans at the beach.

Sea glass is born when a human breaks the bottle they’ve brought to the beach to celebrate a successful intoxication upon finishing her whiskey, wine, or beer. That’s when the young, sharp pieces of sea glass emerge from the sea bottles and begin their fragile journey by slowly making their way from the sand into the sea. Sometimes the sea glass journey is cut short, when passing humans obliviously step on the glass with their feet, accidentally stomping it to death.

If the pieces of glass do make it into the water, they develop there for many years, bumping and grinding against each other and the stones on the bare sea floor, because sea glass has been known to cut a rug.  Eventually, each piece of glass matures into toned and smooth adult sea glass. It is then ready to mate and the ocean waves sway it back up the shore.

Although the appearance of sea glass is eye-catching, its mating call cannot be heard with a naked human ear. Recent technology has allowed scientists to create special sound-detecting equipment. Sea glass hunters wear giant headphones that connect to an extended sound detector on a stick, which can be used on land or in water. That way, if sea glass is hiding, the hunter will poke around with the microphone stick until he hits it, and will hear its mating call, which is the sound of glass breaking.