Why Dogs Bark At Night

BarkInTheDark

CHICAGO — Local dog provides a thorough explanation on the alleged barking that has been happening throughout the neighborhoods worldwide:

“Woof.”

Since I’m fluent in Dog, a translated transcription:

“We bark at night because we’re trying to get discovered. When it’s night time, it gets very dark and too hard to see, let alone land a record deal. Who can think about fame at a time like that? We make noises so that someone hears and responds. That response is the only way I can know for sure that I still exist and haven’t disappeared into the oblivion with the rest of the world when the sun set.”

“Yes, I can see the moon just fine, thank you. That’s how I know that I should go into the light.”

Upon further investigation, I have also discovered why dogs are loving, loyal, and just fucking gallop around a park as soon as the leash comes off to sniff absolutely everything. Especially butts.  Because until the moment that the sun sets, dogs are literally living each day like it’s their last.


Study Reveals: When Laundry Folds, You Win

Why is it that sometimes laundry adds up in a stinky pile that gets higher than Paul Bunyan in a forest of Royal Pine air fresheners?

Every time you do your dirty laundry, it all comes out in the wash. But, that fresh smell of clean unmentionables right out of the dryer isn’t even worth mentioning, because the best part is: FOLDING!

Laundry FOLDS so that means YOU WIN. All those times you’ve done your laundry, you have beaten it EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Some laundry even ends up hanged until we choose a garment skin in which to parade around. But choose early and often, or moths will get to it first. Then, all you’ll have left are skeletons in the closet.


Aren’t You Too Old For Birthdays?

Party Animals

Did you know that the cone-shaped party hat stems from the era of dunce caps? Of course, that would be the perfect fashion accessory to wear for someone getting their stomach pumped after over-celebrating their 21st birthday.

A long time ago, the average life expectancy for humans was really short, so surviving another year without ending up a human sacrifice was actually something to celebrate. Today, if we celebrate a birthday too hard, we can sacrifice our own life for it.

But if you ever feel like you’re “too old” to celebrate birthdays, here is your official permission slip from your inner-adult to your inner-child for your next birthday:

(Your name) has my permission to have birthday cake and eat it, too.

Feel free to substitute the cake for your own favorite thing, whatever that may be: wine, TLC albums, or ball gags… Just remember, it takes two to tango this delicate dance of your inner-adult trying to avoid having to actually tango and your inner-child doing “The Chicken Dance” dance moves backwards while jumping on the bed.